Rules for Lockdown With a Teenager

@JanetChristie2 Mum's the Word column

Do not wake - let sleeping teenagers and cats lie.

Rules for Lockdown with a Teenager

1. Just because we’re all doomed doesn’t mean they want to hang out with you. They’re happy with their pals on Snappybrattychatty and Twofacetime.

2. DO NOT wake them. Yes they will grow even bigger than you with all that rest but unless you want to RUIN THEIR LIVES and for them to HATE YOU, leave them. They’ll have been up half the night anyway.

3. This is the first time in their lives they’ve had three meals a day cooked from scratch with fresh ingredients so DO serve up the occasional tin of soup or round of toast if you don’t want to pay the price post virus. This is no time play super parent.

4. DO Monitor their internet shopping or all manner of Bardot tops and Daisy Duke bots will arrive and it’ll be Lockdown on Love Island at yours. PJs and someone else’s massive hoodie are all they’ll be wearing anyway. DO hide their bank card.

5. When they lose something (eg bank card) suggest VERY gently that a little room tidy might be fun.

6. Never suggest something might be “fun”.

7. DO NOT divulge what you really got at the shop. “No Nutella or cereal left, soz,” is good. Try “I did manage to forage this wild garlic by the river on my way back” (true). Otherwise your home will be sugar rush central.

8. DO prioritise your own mental health – if you don’t have a lock on your bathroom door, get one. If your bath panel is removable hide YOUR stuff in there, whatever’s your poison. Tell no-one.

9. DO NOT watch the news obsessively with them. They might be old enough to drive, vote, have children and sport tats, beards and boobs but they’re not as old as they look. They are anxious and don’t need the death toll running in the background.

10 Do NOT laugh when they mention zombies. They really do think they’re real. Apparently most zombie films start with a virus. Who knew?

11. DO let them cut your hair. Most teenagers lack confidence and this gives them a boost. It might stop them shaving their own heads. You’ll have already had a go at your fringe, so let them do the back. DO NOT let them show you what they’ve done.

12. DO NOT EVER let them give you home tattoos. This is for very obvious reasons – that’s right, their speling is rubish.

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