Nasal hallucinations!? Suddenly everything smells of garlic – even though I don't eat it

It was a fresh towel and I’d just had a shower, but the smell was there on the fabric, mild but unmistakable. I noticed it again as I took a sip of coffee, and later on my drive home from work, flowing from the air-conditioning unit. No matter where I go or what I do, the smell of garlic follows.

Chances are you love garlic and consider this a good problem, but I don’t know where it’s coming from and it’s driving me mad. It’s especially odd because last year, garlic and I parted ways. I can’t stand the person I become after I’ve had some, burping and hiccuping for hours. So, 13 months in and I’m teetotal, cold turkey.

I’ve cut garlic out of my life entirely: there’s not a molecule in my kitchen, and I make sure to avoid it when eating out. I don’t rub garlic on my towels, nor do I ever use it to marinade my car’s air-conditioning system. I’ve never needed to. That sounds more like something you would do. Yet I smell it wherever I go.

Avoiding my arch-nemesis

Am I being pranked, maybe, by some garlic-daft troll? Someone with garlic deep in their mind and a penchant for practical jokes? Or is this something more concerning? Once I might have called my GP for advice, but with the NHS on its knees, I’m embarrassed to. Anyway, I can’t imagine trying to explain this particular situation to my arch-nemesis: the doctor’s receptionist. She has an issue with me.

Instead, I take to my armchair, which reeks of garlic, and do some research online. “I can smell garlic everywhere”, tap the search button, and begin scrolling. Almost instantly I’m struck with regret. Of all the things it could be, Google has diagnosed me with something least likely to enhance my street credibility: nasal hallucinations. Brilliant.

Around 15 per cent of us are likely to experience these at some point in our lives, and it’s common among folk who get migraines. For the lucky ones, these smells can be pleasant, like freshly baked bread. For others, not so much. The good news is that it usually fades over time. For now, there’s nothing I can do but accept that my nose’s imagination is running wilder than my own.

In need of more than scented candles

It then occurs to me that cutting garlic out of my life might be driving the hallucinations. Maybe my nose is craving it, fantasising about it. So I rush outside, speed-walking to the shop before it closes. I grab a bulb of garlic in an unhinged frenzy, sprint back home, and stumble through the door, tripping over myself as I hurl my shoes off. Out of breath, I dive head-first into the kitchen, frantically unzip my jacket and tear open the garlic bulb.

As I take a deep sniff, I’m a bit underwhelmed. It smells just like everything else! Strong, piquant, tart, and spicy, much like my armchair. The savoury scent whirls around me like a garlic tornado. You’d have loved it. I vow to get a scented candle, because Google says this should help. But the truth is, at this point, I might need more than just a Jo Malone candle – I might need Jo Malone herself.

Fat Brestovci is host of the Capital Breakfast radio show in Scotland