My guide to Scottish country dancing: 'Head to the bar' - Stephen Jardine

As my old gym teacher correctly spotted, Scottish country dancing is for people who love regulations but really don’t like enjoying themselves

It always started at this time of year. The first clue came on arrival in the PE department when the tracksuited teacher told us not to bother getting changed and instead just to head down to the gym. There we found not the usual jumble of equipment but instead a record player resting on a small table. Then the girls arrived and things got really scary.

Cross country in the sleet was our least favourite gym activity but even that was preferable to the weeks spent trying to teach small boys Scottish country dancing in the run up to Christmas. Our PE teacher, a small man who smelled of rage and Brut 33, approached the task the same way he taught rugby. It was something to be consigned to muscle memory but not in any circumstances to be enjoyed.

That same philosophy seems to have inspired the Royal Scottish Country Dancy Society to publish a modern etiquette guide to make ceilidhs a “safe, comfortable and inclusive place to dance for all”.

For starters, the suggestion is to dispense with the tradition of men to the left and ladies to the right. Dancers are advised not to make assumptions about which side an individual will choose to dance on because of their perceived gender. That should go down well because as we know, anything involving identity in Scotland is a sure fire winner. And that’s before they’ve got round to doing anything about the Gay Gordons.

Apart from blurring the lines between men and women, the guide also tries to tackle the issue of consent stating “If you don’t want to dance with someone, you can say ‘no, thank you’ and you don’t need to explain”. I have no idea why this requires clarification as all the girls I tried to dance with at school seem to have perfected that at a very early stage.

I am however surprised it has taken the Royal Scottish Country Dance Society so long to board the progressive bandwagon. The organisation’s instruction manual runs to 238 pages and even includes rule 5.6.4 on ‘change of foot for pousette in strathspey time’. Boy (or girl), do these people love a rule and the chance to add to the very many guidelines and caveats.

As my old gym teacher correctly spotted, Scottish country dancing is for people who love regulations but really don’t like enjoying themselves. The definition of dancing is ‘movement in time with music to express emotions’. The only feeling evident during strip-the-willow is usually a terror of being told off by that stern guy who bosses everyone around or being stood on by the drunk bloke in heavy brogues.

Contrast that with disco where you dance when you want, how you want and with whoever you want. Don’t expect an International Disco Association update to rules anytime soon because there aren’t any, except of course never to attempt “Oops Upside Your Head” in a standing position.

So if you want to express yourself on the dancefloor, stay away from Scottish Country Dancing. Or do what many people do when they spot the ceilidh band tuning up. Head to the bar and down a few stiffeners before being dragged out onto the dancefloor to do your duty. That’s one behaviour they don’t have a rule about. Yet.