What’s with those people who like to bellow “Not social distancing!” as they pass you, at what they have clearly measured to the millimetre as the exact correct social distance? Off they squeak, righteously in their fit-for-purpose outdoor clothing or on their wheels of death power bikes, leaving those of us learning how to do wheelies on a Justeat bike or jogging in our pyjathleisurewear while vaping, gaping.
What? Who? Eh?
Stunned I run through the checklist of Nicola’s instructions and apply them to my exercise companion and me. Walking with someone from the same household (Youngest Child) on a permitted outing to stay healthy so as not to burden the NHS, check, definitely two metres apart on account of me not speaking to her because she said I got on her nerves, nothing in particular I do, just my general personality, check, and I’m wearing a Marks & Spencer thong mask over my face, check (not really, but if this goes on until Christmas, I will be).
Hmph. It’s only because I’m with Youngest that I don’t shout after the busybody, ‘yeah AND we’re on our way to a mental lockdown house party’. I haven’t forgotten the ONE time I gave an impatient, horn-happy and clueless of the highway code fellow driver the finger only to have Youngest tell me sweetly from the back seat, ‘that was Thingy from my class’s mummy.”
So I repeat Michelle Obama’s ‘when they go low we go high’ to myself and we continue on our amble along the walkway, me smiling at passing dogs, her smiling at dogs on TikTok.
Then around the corner another peacebuster appears, gesticulating at us as they hurtle our way full-pelt on a serious skateboard.
“Nutter,” I mutter, bracing myself.
“Middle!” says Youngest spacing herself – if I go down, I’m on my own.
And up he rolls. Yay!
As we all stand two metres apart, grinning, I wonder what’s the etiquette for greeting offspring who aren’t in lockdown with you, when you meet on your daily exercise?
Not a scooby. But if we stand here long enough, I’m sure there’ll be someone along shortly who has.
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