Martyn McLaughlin: How Trump TV will make television grate again

With his presidential campaign stooping from one crisis to the next, Donald Trump is expected to launch his own TV network after Novembers election. Picture: AP.

8am The Big Breakfast

Mr Trump visits US diners to fat-shame female patrons and remove huevos rancheros from the menus.

9am Pro-Celebrity Golf

Peter Alliss presents edited highlights from the fourball final at Trump Turnberry, where Mr Trump and Jimmy Tarbuck face off against Vladimir Putin and Bobby Ball.

10.15am Juan Born Every Minute

Mr Trump and his lawyers smear ethnic minority congressional candidates, arguing their birth certificates have been falsified.

10.45am Family Fortunes

Reboot of the popular gameshow. Les Dennis invites Mr Trump, the Duke of Westminster and David Cameron to downplay the size of their respective inheritances.

11.15am Orange Is The New White

Daytime makeover show where Mr Trump forcibly administers tanning lotion to female inmates in a minimum security federal prison.

11.55am Who Do You Think You Are?

Mr Trump takes a genealogical journey to the Western Isles, where he is berated by distant relatives for bringing the archipelago’s name into disrepute.

12.45pm Days Of Our Wives

Lavish soap opera with Melania and Mr Trump’s ex-wives, Ivana and Marla, plagiarising scripts from rival soap operas. Guest starring Sarah Palin.

1.15pm The West Wing (Casino and Country Club)

Fly on the wall series following Mr Trump’s spiteful attempts to construct a luxury resort on Washington’s Pennsylvania Avenue.

2pm Brand of Brothers

(R) Reality show. Eric and Donald Jr try to overcome the burdon of their seven-figure trust funds to branch out on their own.

3pm Dora The Deported

Animated educational series about Dora, a Hispanic girl harassed by border officials despite the fact she was born in New Mexico. This week’s phrase to learn at home is “Necesito ponerme en contacto con mi abogado” (I need to contact my lawyer).

3.10pm Trumpton

Stop-motion animation set in a quaint rural town where there are no black residents. The Mayor of Trumpton alleges ballot box irregularities at the recent county election.

3.20pm Wind in the Willows

Reimagining of Kenneth Grahame’s classic tale. Chief Weasel (Nigel Farage) fights Mole’s plans for a community windfarm scheme near Wild Wood.

3.30pm Power Rangers

Cartoon following soldiers in the 75th Ranger Regiment, who have been granted immunity as they fight the evil CLINTON syndicate. The Rangers learn enhanced interrogation techniques at a black site in Diego Garcia.

3.40pm The Big Bang Theory

Animated creationism short, debunking prevailing cosmological models. Narrated by Mike Pence.

3.45pm Grabby Days

(R) Classic sitcom, starring Mr Trump as The Fonz.

4.10pm Grand Designs

Architects devise a giant £7.5bn wall in New Mexico, complete with rocking chair, gun rack and spitoon.

4.40pm Arrested Developer

(R) Sitcom about a real estate entrepreneur’s scrapes with the Justice Department as he racially discriminates against residents in a New York housing scheme.

5.10pm Trump University Challenge

Two teams of students from Mr Trump’s defunct business school showcase their ignorance.

5.30pm Mock The Weak

Comedy panel show poking fun at liberal journalists with disabilities.

6pm Trump News

Presented by Katie Hopkins (followed by climate change denial in your region).

6.30pm It’ll Be Alt-Right On The Night

(R) Blooper show featuring insults and gaffes by Mr Trump caught on camera.

7pm Dancing With The Tsars

Live from Moscow’s Tchaikovsky Ballroom, Russian FSB officials whisper hacking techniques to Donald and Melania during unnecessarily intimate rumba routines.

7.30pm Everybody Hates Chris Christie

Sitcom based on the teenage years of the New Jersey governor.

8pm Whose Lie Is It Anyway?

Quiz. Mr Trump and his campaign team present the audience with immigration statistics. Is it their lie or Wikipedia’s?

8.30pm Who Wants To Be A Billionaire?

Game show. Contestants keep tax returns secret and embellish CVs in to convince the audience they are wealthier than they really are.

9pm Grope

Reworking of Alfred Hitchcock’s 1948 thriller, where a brash businessman inappropriately touches a former colleague before boasting about the “perfect assault.”

10.45pm Extreme Biggest Loser

Reality game show. Plus-size former beauty pageant contestants are trapped in a house with Mr Trump. The exit is only 26 inches wide. ‘Go skinny or stay trapped.’

11.30pm The Locker Room

Late night talkshow, with Mr Trump, Mel Gibson and Bill Cosby.

12.15am Trump Teleshopping

Half price Trump election memorabilia, out of date Trump Steaks, authenticated Alex Salmond letters.