Madonna sued for being late? Punch-ups and farting in the stalls? Audiences are becoming as stroppy as in William Shakespeare's day – Aidan Smith

Faces in the audience lit up by smartphones and even laptops can be distracting for actors on the stage

I’m going to sue the Rolling Stones. In 1976, they headlined Knebworth, but took so long to come out and play that my bus back to Edinburgh had its engine revving, ready to depart. You can’t always get what you want? Oh yes you can. For myself and three pals this was a rock-fest first. Arriving tired and smelly, sat on the grass a mile and a half from the stage, sunburned and robbed of our beer, we’d been extremely patient.

But there are only so many times you can listen to roadies test the equipment with shouts of “One-TWO! One-TWO!” Possibly through guilt at the – ha ha – greatest show on Earth not starting until 11.30pm, Mick Jagger & co opened with their greatest hit, normally reserved for the finale. But we did not get any “Satisfaction” that day. See you in court, guys.

There’s a precedent here. Madonna is currently being sued by fans for being two hours late for a concert in Las Vegas after a finish in the wee small hours left them struggling for public transport and tired for work and childcare the next day. The inconveniences suffered may not be very rock ’n’ roll but no matter: the tickets promised a start-time of 8.30pm. And no matter Madonna’s reminder of her superstar status from the stage: “There’s something that you all need to understand: a queen is never late.”

Attention-seeking in the stalls

What’s going on here? In my gig-going youth, there were always tedious hold-ups usually caused by technical glitches. Groups played completely live in those days, of course, while Madonna continues to tour without a band. Perhaps if the case makes it all the way to court, the class action suit will provide entertainment on the scale of the sensational Gweneth Paltrow ski crash trial. For sure, we’re more litigious now. We’re not overawed by celebrity. But in some cases, there’s clearly attention-seeking coming from the stalls – often too literally.

A common complaint from musical theatre is of drunk members of the audience squawking along to the songs and every week right now an actor complains about the fast-deteriorating etiquette of those who come to watch. Last week it was Line of Duty star Adrian Dunbar, about to return to the stage in Kiss Me, Kate, despairing at the lack of respect for the fourth wall and the distraction of faces in the crowd being “lit up” by phones.

It’s worse than that. The previous week Cush Jumbo, explaining how audiences for her Hamlet listen through headphones to provide an “immersive” experience, are unaware of how loud they sound to the cast. “They can’t hear themselves rustling a sweet packet but we can,” they said. “And they fart.”

It’s even worse than that. Andrew Scott playing Hamlet was mid-soliloquy when someone flipped open a laptop. This stopped the actor in his tracks. To email or not to email? Scott only resumed when the computer was snapped shut, and the offender would be well advised not to repeat the stunt during Dunbar’s forthcoming production, for risk of facing a Ted Hastings-style excoriation.

Singalong entertainment and alcohol

Now, some stand-up comedians who must deal with hecklers every night have admitted to mild sadistic delight at thespians having their precious craft despoiled like this. But it isn’t funny when you’ve forked out good money for a rare and special trip to the West End and your night is ruined by exhibitionists or morons.

Regrettably, the first recent instance of yobbish behaviour might have been in Edinburgh when Jersey Boys at the capital’s Playhouse Theatre was halted by a punch-up. Police had to be summoned in Manchester during The Bodyguard and two members of the audience were ejected. Into the Woods in Belfast was similarly disrupted and so were productions of Hamilton, Bat Out of Hell and The Drifters Girl, with the star of the latter, Beverley Knight, hitting back on Twitter: “If your intention is to come to the theatre, get rat-arsed, make a scene … my advice is to stay your ass at home.”

Theatres have been criticised for bringing some of this on themselves. If they push out lowbrow singalong entertainment and encourage audiences to drink, what do they expect if some get too carried away? Venues will argue they’ve had to turn to alcohol sales to boost post-Covid revenue and that over-exuberance is something for which theatregoers must bear personal responsibility.

‘700 drinks’

This is true but lockdown has done strange things to people far beyond the obvious. The first major post-Covid public gatherings I witnessed were when Wimbledon re-opened its doors after the pandemic. Reporting on the 2021 tournament for this paper, I witnessed raucousness increase daily. The most polite sporting festival in the calendar suddenly resembled football. Cooped up for so long, the crowds felt compelled to release their emotions, to the accompaniment of the popping of Champagne corks. It wasn’t much different the following year when the Australian men’s finalist, Nick Kyrgios, ranted at a woman on Centre Court who he accused of having consumed “700 drinks”.

Initially theatres experienced similar displays of high spirits but shouldn’t we have calmed down by now? Perhaps excuses can be made for those unfamiliar with a night at the theatre. “They don’t know about the fourth wall,” says Adrian Dunbar. “They might think they’re watching TV and that they can step away from what’s happening.” But there are others who have forgotten how to behave or who think purchasing an – expensive – ticket brings freedom from protocol or who truly believe the auditorium needs to hear them murdering a classic tune.

Clearly the relationship between performer and audience has broken down. I don’t want to potentially exacerbate the situation, otherwise we could end up back in Shakespeare’s time when those up the back hurled fruit, so I’m withdrawing my action. The Stones are off the hook.