John Gibson: A night to remember with Abi!

Lord knows, I’ve squeezed every drop, time and again, from the night I did the gentlemanly thing and protected Abi Titmuss from the winter chill at the back of the Murrayfield stand, awaiting the fire brigade.

We made a highly combustible couple. In those days, understand, I had to beat off the women with clubs. Now that, yet again, I’ve unashamedly milked that episode I must tell you that Abi, 37, has this endearing habit of reinventing herself (John Leslie will agree) and she has turned actress again in a play in Scarborough.

Come up here, where you nearly froze Abigail. The Fringe awaits you. And don’t give me the cold shoulder.

Rat’s all, folks

Mighty mouse, or just a mouse taking the mickey? Coming to a Tesco near you, I wonder, the big, fat, ravenous rodent discovered by inspectors that was getting its teeth into raw chicken at the Covent Garden branch which failed three inspections.

Inspectors said they were “overcome” by the stench of rotting meat in the store’s warehouse.

Tesco’s punishment will be announced soon. Altogether now . . . say cheese!

Come back Zara

Why doesn’t Zara Phillips come back to the Canongate Kirk, where she and husband Mike Tindall married, to have the baby? Norrie Rowan’s my nomination for godfather. Bring your own minister, I’d advise the couple.