John Gibson: Heavy-duty gear for the big bums

Pandamonium. The buzz is that if Scotland wins independence – perish the thought – China will want the pandas sent back.

That’s far enough away. What’s of more import, right here, right now, is the spread – spread being the operative word – of big, gigantic bums.

Nothing’s changing. Obesity continues to stalk the UK, not only in Princes Street, where, due to somebody’s outsize bot, you can find yourself jammed between a rock, namely the Castle, and a hard place in one of our superstores.

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Now in London, and no kidding, doctors are referring the ridiculously large to the zoos for use of their heavy-duty scanners, built to take the weight of a horse.

The National Obesity Forum warns that obesity could bring the NHS to its knees. The trouble there is, and you know how it is, once individuals with outsize posteriors flop to their knees they can’t get up again.

Well, we do read about people needing to be winched out of the window because they get stuck in bed. You’ve go to laugh.

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They’ll be snapped up like cold cakes, tickets to hear David Beckham address the Oxford Union if he accepts their invitation.

The Union’s new president, Lauren Pringle, who smacks to me of the type who leads every student demo, sent the invite to the tattoo freak.

This has the makings of a fun event. David’s a real wiz with words. From his TV performances, he can barely string two sentences together.