Jim Duffy’s Big Bumper Christmas guide to surviving your in-laws

When the in-laws come to stay for Christmas, remember to smile politely as they expand on their views about Donald Trump, Greta Thunberg and Prince Andrew, suggests Jim Duffy.

If the in-laws come to stay, they get to wear as much tinsel as they like (Picture: Colin Hattersley)

It is that time of year – despite all the focus on today’s election result – when we will start to think properly about Christmas. Buying presents, time off work and, of course, time with family and relatives.

But, while this is and should be a wonderful experience when we all down tools for a bit and focus on each other, it can also be fraught with danger. Not in a James Bond (or whatever her name is these days) vs Spectre sense, but more a ghost from Christmas past.

Yes, for many of us, Christmas may not simply be a breeze as it will involve lots of time with those creatures known as ‘the in-laws’.

Usually, the best bit about the in-laws is that one only sees them once or twice at year. You know, birthdays, maybe the odd wedding or even celebratory dinner for a graduation or happy family event.

These occasions are perfunctory in nature and we can just about survive them. Yet, there is something about the Christmas gathering that always makes me feel a little on edge. Probably because it feels a bit manufactured and it can go on for quite a while. Especially when the in-laws stay with you for a whole week.

Their tanks on your lawn

For many of you, the in-laws’ visit will not be a problem. They will come for Christmas dinner but, before you can say “pass the gravy?”, they will on their way out the front door and you will have survived another year.

For some of us, this would be bliss. But, for some of us poor souls at Christmas, the in-laws literally park their tanks on our lawns. They stay day after day, after day – Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day at least.

And while the first couple of hours are always pleasant, things can start to get tense. Some of us can get irritable and agitated as the bathroom is always in use by someone else. The kettle you boiled gets used by someone else. And your favourite brandy bottle seems to be going down and down as others take a liking to your tipple.

But, having survived a few of these long encounters with in-laws, I have some tips that will help you overcome the rigours of Christmas with them.

First up, empty your head of political viewpoints and any anxieties you may have about our new Prime Minister.

You see, when the in-laws come to stay, you have to bend to their politics. Yes, even though it’s your house and you’re paying the mortgage, the in-laws will always feel they can freely ram their politics down your throat.

Dirty cups may now be acceptable

So, shut off that limbic part of your brain that makes you want to debate hard with them and allow them to have a few wins on Donald Trump, Greta Thunberg and Prince Andrew. This way, they feel happy and you will not regret it for the rest of the holiday.

Next up, know your own space. As the in-laws descend upon you, bathrooms, kitchens and living spaces are no longer yours. You have opened up your home and unlike a bed and breakfast, there are no real house rules they have to abide by.

The kitchen is always a meeting place no matter how large or small it is. You may be the tidy type, like me, who likes to have surfaces cleared and cleaned with the dishwasher stacked and emptied as soon as it beeps.

But, be aware that the in-laws may have a different frame of reference. Dirty cups on surfaces with tea stains may be acceptable in the land of the in-laws. Just like bins over-flowing. Worse still, they may have a complete lack of awareness of your recycling regime.

And this may drive you bonkers. So, get your head into the space where you feel you are the visitor and the kitchen is theirs. This way your stress and OCD will not come into play as cleaning the place is up to them. Just think, in only two or three days, they will be gone...

In the doghouse

Pets and children can cause all manner of problems at Christmas with the in-laws. I let my dog onto the couches. I put neatly tucked in throws over them that I wash weekly. So, hey presto, the couches are clean and the dog feels part of the family.

But, the in-laws don’t approve. Dogs should be on the floor, in a kennel or at one’s feet. So, when my pooch jumps up beside me for a pet, the in-laws look at each other in disgust. But, rather than cause them concern, I let the doggie have a minute then guide it down to the floor with a toy.

You see it’s all about compromise at Christmas. And remember, in their heads, they still think they are in their own home, so you have to bend a bit.

Finally, and the list could go on and on, they may contribute to Christmas dinner. A dessert perhaps or by making the gravy. Whatever you do, forget all the effort you have put in and focus on buttering them up constantly for their efforts.

“That gravy is just the best...” blah blah blah. This way they will feel it is all about them and leave feeling happy and contented. It is all a big game, but the odds of you losing are high if you do not follow a few simple rules.

Like puppies, the in-laws are not just for Christmas. But it is at Christmas that it can all go wrong. Good luck!