Janet Christie's Mum's the Word - Keeping it under your hat is the way to go

When haircut trauma strikes it’s best to stay mum

Mum's the Word. Pic: Adobe stock

Middle Child appears looking very mournful, hat jammed on his head. He always has a hat jammed on his head, but not the mournful expression. Something’s up.

“Why the long face?” I ask. “To which the correct answer is so your eyes can scan for predators while the bottom bit of your face is eating - I know this from when I was on safari and the ranger explained, with reference to giraffes, zebra, warthogs and…”

“When I was on safari…” mimics Youngest and sniggers. “So annoying.”

“I had to go for work,” I say.

“Had to go for work,” she says. “God, annoying.”

“ANYWAY, I’m sad about my haircut,” says Middle, reclaiming the chat and lying down on the sofa looking bereft. “Look.” He pulls off his hat and before I can stop myself I’ve said the wrong thing: “Aw that’s lovely”.

Middle sighs again and says, “No, it’s not Maw. I told them EXACTLY what I wanted but I could feel them cutting the back more and more and my neck getting colder and colder and I started to dread them doing the same to the front so I thought ‘why am I just sitting here letting this happen?’ so I shouted ‘Stop!’ and stood up and paid and left.”

“Well done on taking back control,” I say. “And short at the sides, long on top is very in, isn’t it?” I say. “You could get the top permed standard poodle-style, that seems to be a thing.”

Youngest’s mouth says nothing but the look she throws my head says what do you know about style?

Plenty. “Listen lady,” I say, “when the stylist had finished my hair they said, ‘this is quite a trendy look at the moment actually. A long shag is very popular’.”

“OMG,” she says.

“ANYWAY,” says Middle Child, with the weary air of the sibling sidelined by years of being neither the first nor last and thinking he passes unseen and unheard, his screams silent and existential (although he totally works his under the radar status). “Back to me. Now I have half a haircut and it’ll be months before the back’s grown in and caught up with the top.”

I could tell him, but decide to keep it under my hat. Or I would if he wasn’t wearing it. It’s my favourite but I keep mum. Who says middle children miss out?