Janet Christie's Mum's the Word - it turns out body art is a family tradition

A glass slide of the 'Eclipse', one of Dundee's whaling fleet, under sail in pack ice by Livingstone-Learmonth, Walter. Pic: Dundee Art Galleries and Museums

“It’s freezing. Can I borrow this scarf please?,” says Youngest Child.

“Yes, as long as you don’t…”

“...lose it because it’s cashmere”. She sniggers. “I know. Bit obnoxious.”

Captain David Christie, who as a young man sailed on Dundee's whaling ships to the Arctic seas around Greenland and Newfoundland. Pic: J Christie

“I say that so you don’t leave it on the bus. You know it’s charity shop I mean ‘vintage’, so I’m not boasting. I had no idea I was so annoying. Please tell me what else I say that’s irritating so I can stop,” I say. I know, I bring it on myself.

“Ok,” says Youngest, settling down with a huge slice of her birthday cake and murmuring, “I’ve lost weight so I need to put some back on.”

Now that’s annoying, cos I just have to look at cake to swell, but I’m silent because now everyone wants a big booty. It’s wonderful the younger generation are more body confident and free of shame… still annoying.

She continues. “So, when you go: ‘Do you know what? I’m not going to say any more’ then go on about something for another hour. That’s annoying.”

Yes, I ‘go on’. Ever since Eldest Child told me that looking back the nagging had been helpful but I could have done more. Cannae win. But I contest it’s ‘an hour’, since I read 25 seconds is today’s attention span. It’s more quick vent, repeat at intervals.

“Like when you go on about me getting up for uni, not drinking, the usual stuff. Tattoos.”

“Tattoos, I haven’t mentioned recently.”

“Only ‘cos I haven’t had any.” (This side of Christmas).

In fact it’s because I’ve just stumbled across this tantalising mention of my grandad (who I never met) in the excellent The Dundee Whaling Fleet: Ships, Masters and Men by Malcolm Archibald:

“Eclipse. Assistant Engineer. Born in Perth in 1881 David Christie was five foot three with grey eyes and dark brown hair and had tattooed initials on the back of each hand. That voyage [on the whaler Eclipse, 1905-6 to Greenland and Davis Strait] he was fined for passing tobacco to his 12-year-old brother.”

So berating my children for staining the family name with body art is redundant, plus I’m considering covering extensive surgery scars with ink, like a sleeve but for my whole torso, think Cheryl Cole but scaled up.

I’m not listening as she ‘goes on’; she’s had her 25 seconds. Let’s see, Dundee’s whalers… 12-year old brother!…

“...and the way you say tattoos is annoying.”