Janet Christie on parenting: ‘There’s salt and sauce right up the wall‘

What would happen if I wasn’t “Smother” and didn’t step in to referee the kids’ battles? I find out when I’m having a sushi night out with friends and leave the boys for a couple of hours. At 16 and 14 they should be ok. You’d think. But no, before there’s even a sniff of fish, my mobile rings.

“Muuuuuum. Tell him. He’s wearing my socks.”

“I’ll tell him when I come home.”

Then five minutes’ peace/or the noise of six women quaffing several glasses of wine.

Five minutes later, another call. “Muuum. He’s being a ****” I may have to hit him …”

“No swearing. And no violence.” It won’t work. I’m staying put.

Five more minutes’ “peace”. Then …

“Muuuum. He’s thrown a fish supper at me. It’s all over my room. There’s salt and sauce right up the wall.”

This is a calculated bait and I’m VERY tempted to head home, furious, but no, I won’t bite.

“GET. IT. CLEANED. UP. NOW,” I hiss/shout.

Later at home there’s a split lip, a fish aroma and two sheepish boys.

“Sorry mum. After fighting we talked and realised we have to settle our own arguments, without violence.”

How mature. They’ve learnt about conflict resolution. Time for a lesson in stain removal. If only I knew what gets rid of salt and sauce.