janet christie: “I think school’s bad for children altogether”

My friends are staying, with their two-year-old twins. A school inspector and a primary teacher, they’re among my stable of go-to child experts, though, to be honest, sleep deprivation could be taking its toll.

“Is that school uniform?” the school inspector says, as Middle Child appears.

I’m on the defensive immediately. “Yes, they’re allowed black jeans. And his boots are black. He’ll take the hoodie off when he gets there. But that’s more standard,” I say proudly, pointing at Eldest Child, who wears strict school uniform to the letter as a form of protest. Not that anyone notices. They just think he looks smart.

“I think school uniform’s a waste of time,” says the inspector, in the hall.

“Yeah,” say Eldest and Middle.

“Tell her to shut up,” comes the shout from the sofa, where her partner is remonstrating with a two-year-old demanding crisps for breakfast.

“Yes, shut up. We love school uniform,” I say.

“In fact, I think school’s bad for children altogether,” continues the inspector.

Heresy! And in front of the kids.

“Oh God, not this again,” shouts the primary teacher over a bellowed “crips, crips, crips”. “How are they going to learn to read and write and do maths, then?”

“Well…” the inspector marshalls her arguments.

I swear, if she mentions home schooling, I’m taking her down.