Iomairt na LimDeamaich anns an uisge mar-tha

Dè fo ghrian a thug air Ed Davey smaoineachadh gur e beachd math a bha seo? (Dealbh: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

(Oifisean nan LibDeamaich ann an Lunnainn. Coinneamh gus bruidhinn mu dheidhinn a bhith a’ foillseachadh iomairt an taghaidh.)

[English-language version below]

Ed Davey: Glè mhath a bhalachaibh. Feumaidh sinn rudeigin mòr. Tha na daoine a’ smaoineachadh nach eil feum sam bith oirnne, gu h-àraidh às dèidh mar a chaidh dhuinn leis a’ cho-bhanntachd le na Tòraidhean. Ach, nach do rinn mise cho math. Tha mi cho pròiseil. So, feumaidh sinn rudeigin mòr a thèid gu math agus a bhios a’ coimhead ceart.

SPAD 1: Right, dè nise am prìomh phoileasaidh a th’ againne agus obraichidh sinn timcheall sin?

(Sàmhchair mì-chofhurtail)

ED: Dè tha ceàrr oirbh? Dè mu dheidhinn “Aonta Cothromach dha na h-Uile Duine” – gu bheil sinn airson gum bi beatha nas fheàrr aig a h-uile duine.

SPAD 2: Uill, ’s e an rud mu dheidhinn, tha e caran, uill, mì-shoilleir. Tha an rud fhèin ceart gu leòr, ach chan eil e soilleir ciamar a ghabhas a thoirt gu buil agus chan urrainn a mhìneachadh ann am briathran furasta, fhios agad mar “Cur Crìoch air Brexit”.

ED: Na gabh ort sin a thogail anns an oifis seo a-rithist. Tha sibh pàighte airson innse dhomh-sa dè tha còir agam a dhèanamh agus dè tha còir agam a bhith a’ smaoineachadh. Mur urrainn dhuibh sin a dhèanamh chan eil feum sam bith oirbh.

Tha mi falbh airson còig mionaidean. Tha mi feumach cupan eile Earl Grey. Mun àm a thig mi air ais tha mi ag iarraidh beachdan ceart – agus na can dìreach Layla Moran air sgàth ’s g’ eil i a’ coimhead nas fheàrr air an telebhisean.

(An ceann greis tha Ed Davy a’ nochdadh a-rithist)

SPAD 1: Tha e againn. Bha sinn a’ smaoineachadh gu feum sinn sealltainn g’ eil thu cofhurtail ann an suidheachadh sam bith, duine nàdarrach am measg nan daoine, tuigseach mun òigridh, rudeigin son Instagram is TikTok.

ED: Oh tha seo math. Innis dhomh a-rithist cho mìorbhaileach ’s a tha mi… duilich, innis dhomh dè tha còir agam a dhèanamh.

SPAD 2: Feumaidh sinn faighinn a-mach à Lunnainn, ach chan e Alba, cus cunnart leis an deasbad air neo-eisimeileachd. Dè mu dheidhinn Lake Windermere?

ED: An ainm an àigh tha sin mìltean air falbh.

SPAD 2: Tha fios ’am ach tha e cudromach. Agus bha sinn a’ smaoineachadh cho math ’s a tha thu fhèin a’ coimhead, fiù ’s aig d’ aois, ann an wetsuit.

ED: Chan eil mi cinnteach càil seo a’ dol.

SPAD 1: Rud eile, ’s e g’ eil an t-uabhas dhaoine an-diugh ri paddleboarding.

ED: Nach bi an t-uisge fuar.

SPAD 1: Reòthte chanainn, ach bidh e dìreach a’ sealltainn na tha thu deònach a dhèanamh dha na daoine. Smaoinich fhein air an ìomhaigh: Ed Davey a’ dearbhadh cho cofhurtail is cinnteach ’s a tha e air a’ chasan, comasach air stiùir cheart a thoirt dhan dùthaich tro uisgeachan mì-chinnteach.

ED: Mìorbhaileach!

SPAD 2: Dìreach dèan cinnteach gu fuirich thu air do chasan.

ED: Na gabh dragh.

(NB: air eagal ‘s gum faigh mi ann an trioblaid, chan e seo dha-riribh mar a thachair, tha mi an dòchas)

English-language version:

(Location: Lib Dem headquarters, London, to discuss the election campaign.)

Ed Davey: Right folks, clear your desks. We need something big. Too many voters think we’re useless, especially after that disastrous coalition thing with the Tories. But, hey, I was still the hero, wasn’t I? I’m so proud. So we need to make a splash that defines exactly who we are.

SPAD 1: OK, let’s think, what’s our headline policy and work around that? (Awkward silence ensues. Lots of confusing glances around the room).

ED: Are you kidding me? The “For a Fair Deal” thing – that we want everyone to have a better life.

SPAD 2: Yeah, it’s just that it’s, well, sorry, but it’s a bit vague. It’s well-meaning but it’s not really clear how it can be achieved so it’s going to be a struggle to kind of explain it, you know, like on one big simple banner, like Get Brexit Done.

ED: Don’t you dare mention that in this room. Look, you're paid to advise me and tell me what I’m supposed to be thinking, otherwise what’s the point of you? I’m going out of the room for five minutes. I need my Earl Grey fix. By the time I come back I want firm ideas. And don’t just say Layla Moran cause she looks better on television.

(A short while later Ed Davey re-enters.)

SPAD 1: We think we’ve got it boss. What we were thinking is we need to show how you’re a man of the people, down with the kids, up for anything, something for Instragammers, TikTok, that kind of thing.

ED: I like it, you’re right. Tell me again how wonderful I am… sorry, I mean tell me what I’m supposed to do.

SPAD 2: Bear with us here. We were thinking we definitely need to get out of London but not Scotland, that whole Scottish independence thing can get so complicated. So, the Lake District.

ED: Bloody hell that’s miles away.

SPAD 2: Yeah but it's important to get out and about. And we were thinking how a middle-aged, balding man like yourself looks so good in a wetsuit.

ED: I’m not sure I like where this is going.

SPAD 1: We’ve looked into it and paddle boarding is the big thing nowadays.

ED: Won’t the water be cold?

SPAD 1: Bloody freezing I should imagine, but it just shows how you’re willing to make a sacrifice for the people. Just think of the image it will portray: Ed Davey shows perfect poise and balance, the right man to steer the country through troubled waters.