Iain Russell: Lads say I’m Gary Barlow – I’ll take that

My last article before Christmas, and, typically with the winter weather setting in, there was not much football on Saturday.

This has led to the boys discussing the weekend’s television with such things as Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor being the hot topics. Unlike the majority of the lads I have never watched the X Factor.

Now, the team say I am a lot like Gary Barlow, and I should be the mentor for the dressing-room. To put the boys into their categories would be fairly easy.

The Over 25s

* Liam Fox. Our captain and the most sensible lad in a mad dressing-room. Mr Reliable never lets anyone down and is always the player to go to when looking for an intelligent conversation.

* Kenny Deuchar. Still to be seen at the training ground. ‘Doctor Goals’ is the oldest member of the squad. Moves like an old man and his stories sound as if they come from the 50s; but he scores goals like a young boy in the playground.

* Paul Watson. Now I’m not sure Paul is over 25 but he looks about 45. Putting his head in where it hurts and being a brave centre half is Paul’s downfall as he looks like Cyril Sneer.

The Boys

* Bobby Barr. Biggest moaner in our squad, our wing wizard is like a wee boy when he doesn’t get his own way. When he is not throwing his toys out the pram Bobby is hyper and has been banned from having Smarties.

* David Sinclair. Our very own Frankie Cocozza. Sinky can pick out a pass through the eye of a needle but can also pick out a girl from a mile away.

* Keaghan Jacobs. Livingston’s very own pop star. Keags thinks he is in The X Factor every day, always seen in his best clothes and never has his hair out of place.

The Girls

* Craig Barr. Wears his girlfriend’s Uggs into training, has his eyebrows plucked weekly, wraps his hair up in his towel after his shower, and spends at least an hour in the mirror before and after training. Mango is our best looking girl.

* Stefan Scougall. The promising young midfielder has a bright future and although shows no fear in getting wired in, Scougs seems to fall like a wee girl, even with the slightest gust of wind.

* Rory Boulding. He’s not your typical Sheffield lad. Every Friday Rory makes no secret about getting a spray tan in preparation for the weekend. He is the only player I have ever heard of who won’t play on a Saturday if it is raining in case his tan will streak.

The Groups

* The goalies, Andy McNeil and Darren Jamieson, can form the group for the worst dressed. I have never seen such bad gear Andy dresses everyday like he is in a heavy metal band with the leather studded boots to match the jacket. DJ is no better and models his clothes on Screech from Saved by the Bell.

* Another double act would be our Dundonians Mo Ross and Mark Fotherngham. The pair never more than two yards apart and can always be seen wearing matching body warmers into training. The two of them will be missed when they leave for pastures new in January but their body warmers and accents definitely won’t.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and look forward to seeing you cheer the team to success on Boxing Day against Hamilton.