​I swear it's far too early to be selling Christmas decorations - Vladimir McTavish

​Given that I earn my living in the rather trivial industry of comedy, a number of years ago I began volunteering in a charity shop one morning a week.

It is rewarding giving something back to my local community. Just as importantly, it means I spend three hours a week without swearing.

Let’s face it, while foul language is OK in my paid work, it is is totally unacceptable to utter profanities behind the counter of a charity shop, especially in Stockbridge.

But this week, that resolve was tested to its limit. We have started stocking Christmas decorations.

Christmas cards are alright. I can understand why people might want to buy them in early autumn, as they may be posting them to friends and family abroad. But decorations?

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Christmas decorations. I love the lights. Without them, December would be unbelievably depressing. I just don’t want to be selling them now.

We haven’t even turned back the clocks. Most of the leaves haven’t even changed colour, let alone dropped. We’re only two dismissals into the football manager sacking season. So it surely can’t be time for tinsel and Santa Claus cushions.

There’s a time and a place for everything. And for Christmas decorations, that time is the start of December. And that place is Telford Road. I love driving to Glasgow or Fife in December.

There’s stretch between Crewe Toll and the McDonald’s drive-in where the local residents put on a wonderful show of blow-up Santas, elves, sleighs and luminous reindeer every year. I reckon it should be on the route of the tour bus.

However, let’s get our turnips, black cats, pumpkins and spooky skeletons up in our windows before we even start planning for Christmas. Although, if past years are anything to go by, it’s only a matter of days before The Dome stick their massive tree up in George Street.

I think a law should be passed to stop the sale of festive decorations before Hallowe’en. Or before Rangers sack their manager, whichever is later. Season’s greetings, everyone. Let’s just not forget what season it is. It’s autumn.