Hugh Reilly: Seeing the Christmas story in a new light

The 12-day countdown to this year’s winter festival has begun but it doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. In Glasgow’s George Square, the Nativity scene mannequins are bathed in a semi-darkness that requires night-vision goggles to correctly identify the Holy characters.

As the passer-by pilgrims peer at the crib, Jesus’s words “I am the light” appear a tad ironic. Just metres away is a temporary ice rink illuminated by a halogen floodlighting system that evokes memories of the prison yard murder scene in The Shawshank Redemption. Those who think religion should be kept out of Christmas are clearly winning the argument.

In cities and towns across the country, Christmas lights feature Santa and his reindeers, one of which is in urgent need of rhinoplasty to rid itself of the red nose acquired through bingeing on mulled wine at a recent stag do. The neon-powered streetscape pleases everyone except Green Party Scrooges who deplore the waste of wind-turbine energy. In an heroic act of defiance, they hold an alternative, environmentally-friendly light show, but making shadow crocodiles from the light of tea candles fails to draw a crowd.

A declining number of schools steadfastly endeavour to maintain the Christian tradition that is the Nativity Play. For some kids brought up in increasingly secular surroundings, this is their first interface with a story that has a religious angle to it. Thanks to the pursuit of “fame for fame’s sake” culture, most youngsters are desperate to appear on the cast list – “I’m a celebrity wannabe, get me in there!”

With few speaking parts (and even fewer if one doesn’t count “moo”), the auditioning session is fiercely competitive. Childhood obesity should concern society but an upside is that the director is spoiled for choice when choosing a girl to play a nine-month pregnant Mary. Picking someone to act the part of Joseph, a skilled tradesman, is more problematic as none of the boys can do a convincing Polish accent. Shepherd lads are tickled to be wearing false beards – bless them, little do they know that when they are fast asleep, their dads are sporting these beards when uploading their profile picture on to the Match.com website.

A cunning ploy by schools is to dole out as many bit parts as possible. Ostensibly, this is to tick the box stating that the school is socially inclusive, but the true reason is to boost ticket sales. A delighted mum and her husband/partner/boyfriend/bloke she met in a pub last night, will harass any human with a blood link to the child to attend the happening. This, after all, may be the first step to stardom for the kid thus it’s imperative his acting debut is caught on DVD camera – if he makes it to the top, the school play footage may eventually surface on the Dave channel in an episode of Before They Were Famous. However, in most cases, the reality is that the DVD will end up being shown by a tiddly mother at Xmas to embarrass her crimson-faced teenage son.

It might help primary school thespians if high-profile adults performed a film noir version of the Holy Land tale. For example, to draw from the Scottish Labour Party’s leadership election line-up, you could cast Johann Lamont as Mary with Ken MacIntosh as mild-mannered Joseph (Tom Harris, playing King Herod, would have a walk-off part). On finding out there is no room at the inn, Joseph, not wanting to appear oppositionist, asks to check the room occupancy register and, on discovering that the premises are indeed full, accepts the situation. Mary, however, starts a stairheid rammy with the receptionist, the harridan griping that the hotel’s policy discriminates against single parents with children fathered by feckless absentee archangels. Somewhat impassively, the receptionist points the by now bickering couple in the direction of the local stables or, to give the premises its proper name, Bethlehem Travelodge. Accommodation is basic: a double straw bed with child changing facilities and a manger.

In the morning, Mary gives birth to the baby, Jesus. As if by magi, Three Wise Men appear, one of whom is a teacher taking advantage of his school being closed due to inclement weather. They bring gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh but stupidly forget to put the receipts in the plastic bags, thus no refunds are possible for any unwanted presents. Shepherds, who watched their sheep by night and falsified EU farming subsidy forms by day, arrive with their animals. They shake hands with everyone, sparking an outbreak of E coli.

A school Nativity Play? You couldn’t make it up.