How Brexit may make ‘barbaric’ urban-hunters suddenly popular – Paris Gourtsoyannis

A no-deal Brexit could clear food off supermarket shelves as supplies are disrupted and people start panic-buying – and that may mean allotment holders, anglers and ‘barbaric’ urban hunters suddenly become popular at dinner parties, Paris Gourtsoyannis.

Deer may need to keep a low profile as a no-deal Brexit could see a return to hunter-gatherer society

A bizarre story splashed across the front of the Edinburgh Evening News caught my attention this week.

It described how office workers in Granton watched in horror as a group of hunters with dogs stalked and killed a deer, before butchering it in an urban car park. Imagine the shock in the break-out area and the queue for the coffee cart.

Barbaric, evil, sickened, was just some of the reaction that flooded in. It’s obviously a serious matter if an animal suffered inhumane ­treatment, and police are investigating the incident as a possible illegal deer killing.

But after reading, I couldn’t help wonder if what the 10.30am Scottish Gas team meeting had witnessed was a glimpse of the future.

Theresa May is off on a hunt of her own, but her chances of grabbing a unicorn Brexit renegotiation in Brussels are evidently much worse than catching a venison dinner by the side of Lower Granton Road.

With the likelihood of a no-deal Brexit rising, supermarkets issued a dramatic warning this week: failure to agree a Brexit deal could choke off nearly nine-tenths of lorry traffic across the Channel, emptying shelves and triggering panic buying.

Avoiding hunger will mean returning to the rugged self-sufficiency of Britain’s former meat-and-potatoes diet. One snag: huge export tariffs would likely decimate the UK’s ­livestock industry.

So while we have contempt for them now, after a no-deal Brexit we could all be forced to hone our urban ­hunting skills.

The shifts in social capital in no-deal Brexit Britain will be dramatic. Allotment holders, anglers, weekend mushroom foragers, the archery club president: people you wouldn’t normally want to be seated next to at a dinner party, if they were invited at all. From April, the dinner party isn’t happening without them.

Online dating would transform, almost overnight. Tinder is filled with gym selfies showing off rippling abs or yoga poses in front of Cambodian sunsets – but that won’t put food on the table. Can you skin a woodland animal? Swipe right. ­Netflix and chill becomes Netflix and roadkill.

If Brexit was a lunge for the past by an alienated older generation, they can look forward to reclaiming some fond memories of their childhood. A collapsed pound and gridlocked passport control means European beach trips and city breaks are out – so it will be back with the tattie ­holidays and fruit picking at weekends, for fun, fresh air, and, most importantly, ­calories. After all, there won’t be any foreigners left to do it.

DIY will take on new meaning, as back gardens are dug up and ­trampolines repurposed as makeshift polytunnels. Internet crime has no romance – bring back orchard thieves.

Given the abundance of deer and other roaming foodstuffs, Scotland can look forward to a relatively ­comfortable life in no-deal Brexit Britain. Here in London, the diet will mainly consist of urban fox. Food prices will replace property prices in conversation. “You can get a lot more for your hunting up north, you know.”

I look forward to Springwatch becoming a hybrid nature/cookery programme, co-hosted by Chris Packham and Ainsley Harriott. What goes with Suzie Salt? Barn owl.

The Evening News’ report said the three hunters were last seen carrying the deer carcass – gutted to preserve the meat for consumption and sale – towards a nearby Morrisons. How apt.