Fiona McCade: Olympian spirit’s gas is put at a peep

When he ran a mile for Sport Relief last weekend, David Cameron was beaten to the finish line by several little children. Reports said he “charged off” too fast and ran out of steam while the youngsters paced themselves better, writes Fiona McCade

Others insisted he let the kids win – yeah, yeah – but when I’d stopped laughing, it occurred to me that this isn’t necessarily about Dave being rubbish at running. Maybe it’s just Dave getting into the 2012 Olympic spirit.

In the past, the glorious, gleaming Olympic torch has been carried from country-to-country by great athletes, over great distances, with the sacred Olympic flame exemplifying an indomitable spirit. However, for London 2012, the living symbol of the fire which Prometheus took from Zeus and gave to mankind is going to be solemnly conveyed in… a van.

OK, admittedly, the van will not be carrying the torch for the whole of its 70-day, 8,000 mile journey around the British Isles. The van will only be doing 80 per cent of the transportation. The other 20 per cent will be done by various chosen people, each one bearing the flame for 300 whole metres.

I’m stunned. On the one hand, perfectly ordinary British children can easily outrun their Prime Minister – who is in the prime of his life – over the distance of an entire mile, but on the other, those of us specially chosen to represent these proud islands by bearing aloft the blazing glory of the Olympics won’t be taking it further than most people would travel to pick up a tinny from the corner shop. Then they’ll put it straight back in A VAN.

There must be a reason why the 2012 Olympic torch relay is so utterly pathetic. Perhaps it’s because, in the UK, anyone seen running more than 300 metres with a precious-looking object, and in close proximity to flames, will be instantly arrested.

Or shot. Or mugged for whatever they’re carrying, if neither of the other options happen. For these reasons alone, there probably weren’t many volunteers to carry the torch through Tottenham.

By the way, nobody will be carrying the torch through the night. The van driver and assorted bearers will only be doing 12-hour days. There’ll be none of your heroic, Marathon-like endurance stuff going on, oh no. This is London 2012 and we ain’t bovvered about pushing ourselves too hard, thanks very much.

This is one more reason – don’t get me started on cost and waste – why I firmly believe that the Olympics should always be held in Greece; so we can stop this kind of pointless mucking about and just concentrate on the sports.

I doubt very much if the original Olympic athletes just did a few hundred metres, then jumped on the back of an ox-cart to ride the rest of the way.

I understand that some of the torch-bearers are elderly or infirm, and so can’t carry a big lump of hot metal very far. That’s fair enough, so then let the stronger, younger ones do more.

What the 2012 committee doesn’t seem to have grasped is that the Olympics Games are not supposed to be a cosy, “inclusive”, let’s-all-have-a-go type of event.

Unfashionable though it may be to point it out, the Olympics are about the epitome of excellence; the best of the best battling with each other for ultimate sporting supremacy.

Ideally, these unequivocally elitist games will inspire our children to go on to surpass even our best achievements. That’s the hope, anyway.

But since the resolute, dedicated Olympic spirit seems to be missing from what amounts to a half-hearted fun-run (not that much running will be happening, by the sounds of it), it might have been easier just to lay down an 8,000 mile-long fuse around the country, light the blue touch-paper in John O’ Groats and then wait for the sacred flame to eventually fizz down to the Olympic Stadium.

The London 2012 organisers honestly believe we’ll all come out in droves to witness a torch go by in a van. I doubt it – unless they put the torch on top of an ice-cream van and sell Olympic torch whippy cones.