Emma Cowing: Tak tent when going online for shopping

SHOPPING is my idea of hell. There, I’ve said it. I’m a woman and I absolutely loathe and detest what some people might call “retail therapy”.

In fact, I’m passionate about hating shops – and I know I’m not alone.

The very thought of heading into a hot, crowded and overpriced retail park in some godforsaken area on the outskirts of town sends me into convulsions, which probably explains my slightly dodgy wardrobe.

Shoddy, aging clothes I can cope with. However, trying to explain to the kids why they don’t have any presents at Christmas is a step too far – even for me.

Which is why every year, like the rest of the population, I take a deep breath and a long list and head to the shops to jostle and bustle and grab toys and books and electrical gadgetry from the shelves.

I endure the monotonous drone of Christmas songs, the queues of other despairing shoppers, the panic of not finding the “must-have” toy at the top of the list – the cheap, sparkly decorations and the false festive cheer dished out in sackfuls by the underpaid and overworked shop staff.

Which is why this year, as the festive frenzy is starting to hot up, I thought I would try something different.

In an attempt to avoid the wretched retail parks, I decided I would shop online instead.

And so, for the last few days, as soon as the children have been packed off to bed, I have been cranking up the computer and “Googling” items on their Christmas lists.

Night one, and I’m surfing for an “interactive baby”.

With a price comparison website it’s easy to see where I can buy it cheapest.

Bingo! So, I chose and clicked and then filled out pages of forms demanding my name, delivery address and bank card details, but just as I am about to sign off, the website informs me its “undergoing vital maintenance” and my order is lost – just like that.

Night two, and to make the whole experience feel slightly more festive and less like an endurance test, I reach for my Christmas compilation CD and a bottle of fizzy wine and get ordering.

Slurp, click, sing. Slurp, slurp, click, click, sing. And before the CD is half-way through its play list and the wine half drunk, I’ve ordered loads of cool Christmas bootie and tons of items I didn’t even realise I needed such as a new family size tent (£99 down from the original £250 which amounts to a massive saving), a full-size dart board and a set of walkie-talkies.

No wonder online companies are doing so well. Really, they are.

Business reports claim internet retailers will have a bumper Christmas this year with consumers forecast to spend £4.6bn online during the first two weeks of December, up from £3.7bn in the same period last year.

Monday was the start of what Amazon has called the week of Black Friday, when it is cutting prices of some items up to 40 per cent to make sure people keep logging on.

The first Monday of December is called Mega Monday because analysts predict that will be the busiest internet shopping day of the year.

So back to me, with 35 days until Christmas and my online shopping trials.

Night three and I’m starting to eye my computer with the weary scepticism of an office worker who spends ten hours a day staring at a screen.

Yes, I managed to purchase some vital Christmas gifts, for my son and my mum, but I was actually beginning to feel as if something was missing from the whole Christmas shopping experience – that something being real shops with real people and really sparkly decorations.

It’s all very well being organised over the festive season and spending the evenings ticking off present lists by clicking away on the computer – but it’s hardly Christmassy, unless of course you have a full sized Santa’s grotto in your kitchen.

So from this day forth, I am banning myself from any more online activity and I’m heading to the high street and those hideous retail parks to continue my festive spending.

And there I will relish the jostle and bustle and queues of dreadful people and the cheery Christmas tunes.

That’s because Christmas shopping on the computer feels like someone’s sucked all the sparkle out of playing Santa.

Ultimately, online shopping has not been all bad. At least I’ve got my family size cut-price tent to look forward to.