Drumlanrig: Punishing interview for prudish MSP

I KNOW you’ll be keen to get on with flaying your loved one in the conservatory but, before you go, spare a thought for SNP MSP John Mason, who must be in a state of huge distress over the nationwide obsession with what aficionados know as BDSM.

John Mason. Picture: TSPL
John Mason. Picture: TSPL
John Mason. Picture: TSPL

Mason, a God-fearing fellow, has a long track record of concern about matters of houghmagandy. Some years ago, when he was a Glasgow City councillor, the SNP man led a campaign to cancel an “erotica convention” in the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre.

Such filth could not be tolerated insisted Mrs Whitehouse. Sorry, Mr Mason.

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And I, for one, am grateful for his principled position. Had the young councillor not stood firm (I’ve warned you about the sniggering) we would never have enjoyed a remarkable live TV interview which began with the clearly shocked politician being asked “what exactly have you got against whips, chains, and dildos, John?”

Remember, today’s safe word is “stovies”. «

Media relations meat and drink for Nicola

IS there anything more offensive to the sensibilities of a proud Scot than the “metropolitan media elite”?

Former First Minister Alex Salmond certainly didn’t seem to think so during his time in office.

But, having failed both to win the referendum and to have the BBC’s Nick Robinson burned alive inside a huge wicker man on the fields of Bannockburn, Alex is no longer in charge of the SNP’s policy on hating journalists.

His successor, Nicola Sturgeon, chooses a different approach and last week, during a trip to the Imperial Capital, she was spotted dining with the aforementioned Robinson and his fellow stinking metropole Jon Snow, of the equally London-based Channel 4 News.

One chum of the First Minister reveals: “Nicola charmed everyone round the table. It’s amazing what you can achieve if you engage with journalists rather than demanding they’re strung up.”

Labour strikes a cord

WHEN modern women aren’t being tied up by mysterious millionaires, they may fill their days enjoying the attention of politicians. With the election less than three months away, the “women’s vote” is very much a thing, again.

Labour’s Pink Van is now criss-crossing the country, reaching out to women who may feel detached from politics unless the debate looks like it’s taking place in a Barbie playset.

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One female nationalist chum says women won’t be drawn to the pink van. And then, betraying a sharp eye for the fashion choices of certain Edinburgh gentlemen, adds: “Maybe it’ll be a hit with those guys from the New Town in their corduroys.”

Suu Kyi puts smutty read in the shade

IF you’ve managed to untie yourself from the bed in order to read this, let us tell you the sorrowful tale of a frontbench MSP who, after a long day of meetings in London, settled back on the train to read the second of 
E L James Fifty shades… trilogy.

Having hugely enjoyed the first volume’s story of true love expressed through acts of sadism, the member (stop sniggering) was looking forward to a further escape into the world of cable ties, gaffer tape, and smacked bots.

But, just as she reached into her bag to retrieve her mucky novel, she noticed some fellow passengers looking her way and smiling. Damn! She’d been recognised!

And that’s why, instead of discovering new, exciting, and painful ways of releasing the political pressure valve, the MSP in question spent the journey glumly reading a biography of Burmese politician and human rights campaigner Aung San Suu Kyi.