Drumlanrig: Liverpool | Alex Salmond | Speeches

CLEAR proof that far from deterring inward investment, the Scottish independence referendum is leading to a Scottish boom.

Alex Salmond. Picture: Neil Hanna

Last year, party chiefs at the Liberal Democrats decided they would hold their 2014 party conference in Liverpool. They then watched on as, subsequently, Alex Salmond announced that he was going to hold the Scottish referendum on 18 September – smack bang in the middle of the Lib Dem gig. Party chiefs hastily convened and decided they would have to rethink to avoid a clash, and so decided to put their conference back until October. However, Liverpool came back to say they were already booked up, so the party ended up having to book Glasgow, where it also heading next month. This referendum is good for trade, as they say.

Bookies pander to national pride

No sooner had various wags mocked up images of Alex Salmond waving a Saltire in front of pregnant panda Tian Tian, in honour of his much-mocked display at the Wimbledon final this year than Ladbrokes got in on the act. The bookmakers offers 33-1 that when or if Britain’s first panda cub is born, the First Minister will muscle in on the act by daubing it with a St Andrews cross to claim it for Scotia.

Hot stuff preserving an image of leadership

On the subject of the First Minister, a play at the Edinburgh Festival, Preen Back Yer Lugs!, is attempting to take on the subject of next year’s referendum. At one stage in the post-apocalyptic future in which it is based, scientists manage to clone the SNP leader with DNA which remains intact “thanks to the preservative qualities of the 
Indian food which Alex Salmond consumed in such prodigious quantities”. This may not be scientifically correct, but it certainly based in fact.

Wave upon wave of boring speeches

Politicians in the independence referendum need to up the quality of their speeches. One observer of a recent offering declares: “If there’d been a swimming pool in the hall, I’d have jumped in and drowned myself.” In the interests of charity, Drumlanrig will not disclose the name of the leading pro-Union figure who was speaking at the time.