Donald Trump should buy Scotland, not Greenland – Jim Duffy

Jim Duffy has a satirical take on how to kill Scotland’s deficit...with a little help from our friends across the pond

As Denmark has a rather public spat with President Trump on his proposed and perhaps notional idea of renting or buying Greenland, now is the time for Scotland to jump in and usurp the Danish as they falter. The USA cannot just invade Greenland with big tanks, tomahawk missiles and stealth jets.

That would not look good on the “fake news” channels such as CNN. It might not go down well with the UN, NATO and the ordinary Danish population. So, it leaves Mr Trump in a quandary.

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He wants more resources. America needs to plunder as much as it can to fuel its massive need for literally anything of value it can get its hands on. He wants a bigger strategic footprint on the global map. This allows him easier access to launching points for war, intelligence gathering, new Walmarts and Dunkin Donuts. Not to mention another Disney theme park location for the kids. He wants more American hegemonic soft power, where Americans can settle down and breed. And therefore Greenland looks not a bad bet. But, not half as good as us Mr Trump. So, forget that Danish outpost and come buy us. Scotland is well and truly up for sale and yours for the right price. Fellow Scots, its time to gazzump Denmark. Aye ready and all that...

Donald Trump always has an eye for a deal  so he would surely appreciate the benefits to be reaped by buying Scotland. Picture: Getty
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For a kick off, your half Scottish Mr President, so you’re welcome here with open arms. Just don’t read the newspapers. After all, its just fake news sir. You’re one of Jock Tamson’s Bairns who has invested here with all your fancy golf clubs. Scotland’s former political pugilist, Alex Salmond, is no longer here to cause you any grief. And right now our First Minister needs something tangible to hang her hat on. That’s called inward investment or cash, dollars, green backs and bucks in your language. In short, we’re skint.

What a fantastic time for you to make your pitch to the Scottish Government sir! Only this week we learned that total public spending in Scotland last year was £75 billion, but the country only raised £62.7bn in revenues – leaving a gap of £12.6bn. That means our national deficit is seven per cent of GDP – far too high for an independent country harbouring ambitions for EU membership. We are, in essence, broke. We need a sugar daddy and the timing is perfect. As Prime Minister Johnson makes an ass of himself in Germany and France attempting to cobble together a deal that makes sense only for him, the SNP government could swoop in unnoticed to Washington DC, carving out the deal of the century with you yanks. Elton John could pay for the private jet.

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Of course, like all deals, from the man who wrote the book, The Art of the Deal, we are flexible and know that you are in the hot seat. Yes, we will add the American Eagle to the Scottish flag and fly it proudly on the English border. That’s a cool £1bn to us. Yes, we will become the 52nd state, sitting diametrically opposite your mainland from Hawaii. The weather is not as good here, but the opportunity to launch a ground attack against Europe in the future is as you Americans say – awesome dude. Yes, we will change our national anthem from the sad, anachronistic dirge we have just now to that wonderful tune you guys and gals sing before big baseball matches with tears in your eyes. And all that for the sum of another £5bn a year.

The Danish speak danish, but we speak American. So, no need to change road signs etc. And you already have your aircraft manning our two new aircraft carriers. We will probably do a deal with England to have one each. So, you are quids in already, when you create the new Scottish Fleet of aircraft carriers, nuclear submarines and naval bases across the country. We do prattle on a bit about being nuclear-free, but cash is king right? And having all this infrastructure and American GIs and sailors living here will hugely boost our economy. So, that will be another £5bn a year in cost to you. A drop in the ocean eh?

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As we know, when we meet every American, they always say, “I just love your Scottish accent. My great grandmother was Scottish.” This is just great news sir, as we want our new countrymen and women to visit here in their millions. We’ve got whisky galore and now hundreds of new gins to sell you. We have lovely, scenic, rolling hills and rugged mountains. All ready to be used and abused by you. We have castles that you can colonise and buy. We have oil and a whole raft of new exploration and drilling sites for you to invest in. Global warming? Exactly, its all baloney and fake news. So issy-wissy, let’s get busy and drilling... All this will of course cost another £5bn a year for you to exploit. And hey presto, Scotland will no longer be the poor man of Europe running a mega deficit, it will now be part of the Federal USA bustling with development, innovation, loud Americans using public transport and of course in the black every year with a bristling, thriving economy.

There is just one last thing on the agenda before we sign the deal Mr President. We would of course want free access to travel to and live in the USA. No jumping barbed wire fences or big walls for us. We want American passports and the chance to settle in places like Colorado, Arizona and California. Now, the deal is done. That wasn’t so bad – was it?

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God bless the new America...