Brexit Britain’s done it for me. Time for independence – Kevan Christie

Assuming the SNP can stop telling tall tales like ‘Harry Potter and the White Paper on Scotland’s Future” and everyone stops using Twitter, Scottish independence is virtually in the bag, writes Kevan Christie.

So, that’s it then, what’s done is done. FIN. The game’s a bogey, a dead rubber, bad light has stopped play and in the words of Dame Shirley Bassey, The Party’s Over.

I am of course talking about ... Westminster.

The last helicopter is just about to leave from the Parliament roof as Jeremy Corbyn and the Viet Cong approach the gates – make sure the Scottish MPs are on the last flight out of Dodge. It’s time for them to pack up their troubles in the old tartan travel rug and smile, smile, smile. Mhairi Black can come home and state the obvious – “the poor need our help” and such like – up here at Holyrood, while we marvel at her youthful genius.

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Leave and remain protesters outside the Houses of Parliament. Picture: Stefan Rousseau/PA WireLeave and remain protesters outside the Houses of Parliament. Picture: Stefan Rousseau/PA Wire
Leave and remain protesters outside the Houses of Parliament. Picture: Stefan Rousseau/PA Wire

That big guy with the ponytail who blocks the entrance to one House of Commons’ lobby everytime there’s a meaningless vote – Chris Law, I believe they call him – you need to get up the road sharpish Sir, you’re needed for bouncer duties at hame.

The Westminster 58 will add to the ‘talent pool’ at the Scottish Parliament – I say 58 as Ian Blackford can stay, he’s more suited to life down there. We don’t want or need this investment banker, send him to the hills – the Blackford Hills?

For the time has come, dear reader, to get the black marker out and draw a line at Berwick-upon-Tweed. The clarion has been called, all roads now point to independence as the only show in town.

There’s no doubt the Brexit omnishambles is pushing folk towards “freedom” with Indyref2 coming to a cinema near you shortly. Theresa May has started talking backwards like something out of Twin Peaks and everyone who doesn’t work as a political journalist has given up on trying to make sense out of the whole sorry saga.

A highlight of three centuries of the Union: Jim Baxter plays keepy-uppy as Scotland wins the World Cup in 1967A highlight of three centuries of the Union: Jim Baxter plays keepy-uppy as Scotland wins the World Cup in 1967
A highlight of three centuries of the Union: Jim Baxter plays keepy-uppy as Scotland wins the World Cup in 1967

Polls and stuff on Facebook say that two thirds of Scots who are “undecided” about independence, believe Brexit makes it likely and more than half would now opt for the Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers if Britain leaves the EU without a deal.

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The time has come to tell the Eton Rifles where to go – Rees-Moog, Dominic Saab, Boris and the like can do one. Not Amber Rudd though, she seems nice.

Arlene Foster can get back to watching ‘101 Great Orange Walks’ on her Betamax video recorder as her beloved Union shrinks before her eyes. She can afford to buy her own video shop chain now anyway.

And get the Trident submarines out of Faslane, they’ve been clogging up our driveway long enough like a petrolhead’s vanity project on bricks. The Russians aren’t coming.

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There’s no doubt Albion has had a good innings with some notable moments along the way. The Battles of Trafalgar in 1805 and Waterloo in 1815 were obvious highlights as was the winning of two World Wars and one World Cup – 3-2 at Wembley in 1967, but we Scots need to move on.

Hopefully we’ll still have trade agreements with the English when independence inevitably comes, so there’ll be no need to stock up on essential items like HP Sauce and Colman’s Mustard.

All Nicola (one word like Madonna and Prince) has to do pre-Indyref2 is issue a decree that no-one in the SNP says or does anything daft – big ask, I know – and we should be home and hosed provided the Section 30 order hurdle can be overcome and a mandate to hold a second referendum secured.

Perhaps a Twitter blackout and a blanket ban on anyone looking to throw eggs at the likes of Jim Murphy or hang half-Saltire, half-Catalan flags on the A92 flyover near Cowdenbeath, could be enforced. Here’s hoping – fingers crossed.

It will be painful but we need the Scottish Government to tell the truth – no more of this “Harry Potter and the White Paper on Scotland’s Future” nonsense. If they lay out the facts and stick to a basic doctrine of “we’ll be skint for a while but it’ll be worth it in the end” then the opportunity to finally escape the Westminster cesspit is achievable.

No more Broken Britain.

Surely, the likes of Ian Murray and Monica Lennon in the Scottish Labour Party, Ruth Davidson and That Nice Man Willie Rennie can’t defend the Union as it stands with this Westminster UK Government debacle in full flow.

With schisms in both the Tory and Labour parties, there is no end in sight to the misery, no matter if Noel Edmonds finally gets his Brexit Deal or No Deal passed in the House.

The whole thing has been a disaster from beginning to end and it’s no surprise that more people are toying with the idea of voting for independence when it inevitably comes around again.

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I feel there is a season of goodwill towards Scotland in the European Union. The likes of Donald Tusk and Michel Barnier know we are not supporters of this Brexit bampottery and voted for no such thing. Not in my name. Perhaps, they’ll let us join the EU if we go independent or at least let us stay pals via the EEA or EFTA routes.

If Indyref2 does come about, let’s make it swift and above all be nice to each other. The opportunity for Scotland to be a cool wee Tommy Robinson-free country is within reach, but we cannot allow the SNP to dominate.

Knowing the names of train stations in Gaelic is not on the list of everyone’s priorities but there’s no need to tell the poileas. Maybe they’ll finally be held to account in an independent Scotland and we can get on with fixing health and education.

Those who are in the process of travelling from No to Yes via the Brexit disaster have to be made to feel included – an independent Scotland cannot be just for the SNP and their members.

Wandering Labour supporters who can’t quite bring themselves to vote for the Nationalists need a home and platform sharing with the Tories to support a busted flush union is no longer an option.

So, thanks for the fun-filled 300-odd years but I’m afraid the last couple have been deal breakers. Gary Puckett couldn’t sort out this Union Gap and the time has come for Scotland to go it alone.