Analysis: ‘Children are difficult to staple to the floor’

I USED to think it wasn’t possible. Surely, I sneered in my haughty ignorance, the idea was no more than a suburban myth passed from parent to parent to console themselves for their own lesser shortcomings.

Then I became a father of two young children. Now, like most parents, I’m reminded of those I know personally who have done the same, and grateful again that this time it wasn’t me.

I’m unsurprised to hear that, despite the horror headlines, Nancy was well looked after in her parents’ absence and, above all, I’m glad I can make my own choices about what’s widely known of my family’s life, and that no-one is cynically seeking to increase political capital or newspaper sales at my or my children’s expense.

The problem is, children are difficult to staple to the floor. They keep moving and, with all the kit that accompanies them, it takes extensive effort to get just one child anywhere. Added to that is the fact that we parents are, if not half-asleep, probably preoccupied with what to give the kids for tea.

So it’s no surprise if a child or two falls by the wayside. Frankly, every parent should be congratulated for managing a full family headcount each evening.

So I don’t blame the Camerons. I do have a question for their two bodyguards, though: isn’t it fundamental when guarding bodies to know where those bodies are?

About a year ago, my wife thought for about three minutes that she’d lost our four-year-old daughter in a park.

Knowing how frantic she was, what strikes me about this Cameron story is his restraint: “distraught” at realising his mistake, he made a phone call to ensure her safety then hurried back to collect her. Like the mistake itself, how boringly normal. With one phone call, he could have ordered a fleet of gunships and a battalion of Marines. I’ll bet he was tempted.

• Andrew Watson is the author of Down To Earth With A Bump: The Diary of a First-Time Dad