The general election result hit Kevan Christie hard after his hopes for a momentous shift to the left – raised by ‘political analysis’ on Twitter – were dashed.
The post-election soul-searching has been completed and, after a period of analysis, I’ve decided it would be best for everyone in the Labour Party if Twitter did the decent thing and resigned.
I’m done with this not very social networking site. Another election night ruined. No sooner had I laid out the Mini Cheddars, mini sausage rolls and giant chocolate buttons, something called an ‘Exit Poll’ came along to spoil the party.
At 9:59pm I told my wife to buy a new outfit and prepare for government – five minutes later on the stroke of 10.04pm I had knocked over my can of Diet Coke and stormed off to bed in a giant huff.
I then spent a sleepless night trying to get my head round the prospect of at least five more years of Tory rule. And it was all Twitter’s fault as our dreams withered on the (Jeremy) Vine. Ouch.
Even the prospect of Boris giving everyone in Scotland free Tunnock’s on the NHS and lemonade coming oot the taps was no consolation. Things were never going to get better. I believed Jeremy was going to lead Labour to at worst a hung parliament, Johnson’s own seat was under threat and the #YouthQuake, #OldQuake and #MiddleAgedQuake were actual movements at the vanguard of the nation’s momentous shift to the left.
However, in the end it was more #Flake than Quake as Labour’s hopes crumbled. Brexit was going ahead and we’d all soon be eating chlorinated chicken suppers courtesy of Donald Trump.
But, according to Twitter, everything was going great.
I’d been following events closely on the social networking site, listening to the views of respected political commentators and rejoicing at the brilliance of Marina Hyde from the Guardian and assorted other left-leaning columnists destroying Tory creeps and their stupid Leave voting followers.
It felt good to be on the right side of history, a fully paid-up member of the Kool Club – look there’s Laura Kuenssberg being biased again, favouring the Tories with her one Downing Street source who we all know is that maverick genius Dominic Cummings. Antisemitism in the Labour Party? What a load of old cobblers – yet another right-wing conspiracy aimed at usurping the Prime Minister in waiting, our soon to be glorious leader Jeremey Corbyn.
These Tories will go to any lengths to gain power even photoshopping a picture of Diane Abbott wearing odd shoes. Desperate.
We knew they were on the ropes because Twitter said so.
The youth had turned out in force, the elderly had rallied for Labour and rows of mobility scooters could be seen outside polling booths, lined up like motorbikes at an Iron Maiden gig.
Of course, in the end, it was all nonsense with Boris storming to power and Labour recording their worst election performance, in terms of seats, since 1935.
Up here in what was once Scottish Labour land, the party that had 41 MPs just four years ago were left with just one, the redoubtable Jambo Ian Murray with the rest of them pretending he doesn’t exist. Bless.
‘Inspirational’ leader Richard Leonard said “the voters have spoken and we must listen” while laying the blame Scooby Doo-style on those meddling kids – Brexit and Scottish independence. Last time, I checked he still hadn’t resigned.
My Leave-voting friend from Sheffield summed up the mood in the North of England perfectly when he said: “They called us thick, racists, gammon and Nazis and still expected us to vote Labour.”
Tony Blair has now crawled out the woodwork as some Labour voters remember the glory days of three election victories in a row.
He took us to an illegal war with Iraq and we may ask “what did Tony Blair ever do for us?”
Well for starters, dear reader, there were the record levels of investment in the NHS, the European Convention on Human Rights, the introduction of the minimum wage, the low-pay commission, tax credits, the reduction of poverty among pensioners and the Good Friday agreement.
But he still doesn’t deserve a pass for Iraq – we’ll review it in another 100 years, Tony – get back in your box. So, what of Twitter itself? The site has become an echo chamber for bitterness and rancour.
Too much computer time
It’s replaced the bedroom as the go-to-place of sanctuary for all those now grown-up kids who would lock the door and listen to their Smiths albums, before Morrissey became a Ukip fanboy.
In the past week on Twitter, I was duped into believing Paul McCartney was getting the band back together after #Wings was trending. Well the rain exploded with a mighty crash, I tell you, when this turned out not to be a long-awaited reunion but the permanent banning from Twitter of pro-indy blogger Stuart Campbell – he of Wings over Scotland infamy.
I can’t say I followed much of his stuff but his Wikipedia entry says that in 1988 Campbell won the UK National Computer Games Championship’s ZX Spectrum category, having been a runner-up in the Scottish heats earlier that year.
Campbell’s Wings has been kicked off Twitter for repeated violations of its “Hateful Conduct Policy” but, if you ask me, this will do him the world of good as he was spending too much time on that bloody computer anyway. The fresh air will do you good, sir.
I hark back to a more innocent time when social media was in its infancy. Friends Reunited let you keep tabs on old school friends, MySpace introduced us to new music and something called Bebo was the place for the drunken work’s night out pictures.
But it’s all gone sour. Twitter has to go, it’s a force for bad in the world and we should aim to get rid of it before the next US election. That would certainly put The Donald’s gas at a peep. Now there’s a thought.