2024 predictions: Old McLellan's Almanac expects a belter of a year. Here's what's in store for Scotland – John McLellan

A general election, a football tournament and, apparently, a comedy award for Michael Matheson await us all in 2024

A sneak preview of Rishi Sunak's 'Stop the Boat' campaign due to be launched next year (Picture: James Manning/WPA pool/Getty Images)

Christmas Day on a Monday keeps the festive hangover at bay, so a clear-headed Boxing Day is for looking forward, turning to the local council’s handy colour-coded calendar to work out when the next bin collection might be.

And in the spirit of planning for the future, after much research, analysis, and examination of the giblets, like a Roman priest, for hidden messages from the Fates, I have compiled Old McLellan’s Almanac to guide you through 2024’s big events.

Forget Old Moore. It predicts an assassination warning for Donald Trump, which must happen about once an hour, the end of cash, which everyone believes until their phone runs out of juice, and if the end of roads is nigh, Old Moore’s editor must live near Holyrood Park. Foretelling a massive cross-border earthquake could mean the DUP signing up to the Windsor Agreement. There you are, it sells for £3.95, so you’re already quids in. Next year could be a belter, so what’s in store for Scotland?

Never had it so good

January: Rishi Sunak orders a new “Stop the Boat” campaign to prevent Michelle Mone’s yacht docking in British ports. Humza Yousaf issues similar instructions to Scottish coastguards to prevent high earners leaving.

Hamas sends a fundraising delegation to Celtic Connections but react with fury when organisers of Glasgow’s popular folk music festival tell them there must have been a misunderstanding. Their mood darkens further when they get the same response at Celtic Park. After some frantic phone calls to Qatar, they are redirected to a tenement flat in the Gallowgate.

February: It’s council budget time and, with Finance Secretary Shona Robison miming to the soundtrack of “Let it Go” from Frozen, the SNP launches a television advert starring actor Brian Cox to explain that, under the SNP, local authorities have never had it so good. The Advertising Standards Authority intervenes because of Cox’s “now f*** off” punchline.

Doug Barrowman challenges the Stop the Boat campaign in court because the yacht is owned by a Panama-based company which is a subsidiary of an Isle of Man business in which he’s only a 49 per cent share holder. It’s revealed the other 51 per cent is owned by Michelle’s Auntie Senga who lives just off the Alexandra Parade.

March: Health Secretary Michael Matheson receives a special award at the Glasgow International Comedy Festival for a bravura performance in denying any misuse of his iPad on the family’s Moroccan winter getaway and then admitting he hadn’t noticed the kids watching the football as he sidled past them on the way to the pool with a couple of Aperol Spritzes. He also receives a nomination for the Hadfield Medal, awarded for “distinguished work to metallurgical practice”, in recognition of an outstanding brass neck.

April: The Edinburgh International Science Festival celebrates the Scottish Government’s historic breakthrough in showing how men can become women and vice versa without any surgical or genetic intervention. Plans are unveiled for new legislation, the Assisted Living Bill, in which the relatives of dead people will be able to declare that they are, in fact, still alive. “It will save a lot of grief,” says a government spokesperson.

In football, the Scottish Premiership issues an angry denial that a pair of white Masonic gauntlets were found in the video assistant referee’s room in Clydesdale House.

Tartan Army boosts Bavarian GDP

May: Propelled by a wave of apathy, Sir Keir Starmer becomes Prime Minister after the general election and immediately puts his plans into action by imposing VAT on private schools, and then convenes a special Cabinet meeting to see if anyone has any other ideas apart from the stuff the Tories were doing. Portakabin’s share price spikes as Edinburgh and Aberdeen education chiefs buy up an entire year’s production.

Humza Yousaf blames Tory austerity for the loss of SNP seats. “Free bus passes, free uni, free drugs, chucked money at bloody teachers and quacks, screwed all those Tories I hated at school, and still they dumped us,” he says in a leaked WhatsApp message. “In providence, my prayers have been answered,” says Kate Forbes.

June: Bavarian GDP increases as the Tartan Army takes up residence around Munich’s Hofbrauhaus for the Euros. External Affairs Secretary Angus Robertson opens a pop-up embassy dressed in tartan lederhosen specially commissioned from Geoffrey Tailor. He insists it’s good use of public money to demonstrate cross-national cultural ties and is sure there will be other occasions to wear the outfit.

Uproar at the Royal Highland Show when a refreshed Annandale Young Farmers member asks Humza Yousaf if he knows the difference between a coo’s arse and a banjo, and if he can hit the former with the latter. He replies it’s impossible to hit agricultural targets while his hands are tied by Westminster, of course he’d like to invest more on bovine welfare but Tory and Labour austerity is to blame.

Nigel Farage sells out in Hartlepool

July: The Scottish Festival of Motoring at Ingliston attracts a record crowd thanks to a new Police Scotland stand featuring a £110,000 Niesmann+Bischoff campervan and a £95,000 electric I-Pace Jaguar. Former First Minister Nicola Sturgeon and husband Peter Murrell are seen deep in conversation nearby.

August: It’s Festival time and Edinburgh Council spies an opportunity to use all those Portakabins they’ve bought for the playgrounds and sports pitches of every secondary school to build Festival villages for visitors who can’t find an Airbnb.

September: The Scottish Parliament gets back to business. Wellbeing Economy and Fair Work Secretary Neil Gray tells the Scottish Cabinet that business is getting back at him, the economy isnae very well and the amount of work it takes to keep making excuses isnae fair either. Humza Yousaf tells him to blame Labour austerity.

October: The annual Conservative conference is switched from Birmingham to the Mariott Hotel near Keele Services. Nigel Farage sells out the Town Hall Theatre in Hartlepool.

As D:Ream once sang, things can only get better and I wish all Scotsman readers a prosperous 2024.