2022: Old Jardine’s Almanac offers a month-by-month guide to the year ahead that may sound familiar – Stephen Jardine

Welcome to Old Jardine’s Almanac. Using years of experience and stuff picked up on Facebook, I’d like to share my definitive predictions for the coming year (Subject to availability. The management take no responsibility whatsoever for anything).

Will Old Jardine's prediction of a new Covid variant emerging on the island of St Helena come to pass? We hope not (Picture: Leon Neal/Getty Images)

January will start cold because it usually does. At some point, it will snow and the country will grind to a halt. We will shake our heads and wonder how the Scandinavians somehow cope when we cannot.

In February, a new Covid variant will emerge in Ulan Bator but we won’t have to suspend flights because no one will be going anywhere anymore. The government will advise us to stop working from the kitchen table at home and instead go under the bed because Covid doesn’t like it there.

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In March, the Edinburgh Trams inquiry will request an additional £100m in funding for lawyers to make sure the investigation is the most expensive as well as the most long-running waste of time in Scottish history.

In April, Edinburgh City Council will warn big Festival Fringe operators that they are in the last-chance saloon unless they address concerns about the size and scale of the event.

In May, the council will approve plans by the big Festival Fringe operators to do whatever they want.

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In June, a new Covid variant will emerge in Tashkent but we won’t have to suspend flights because no one will be going anywhere anymore. The government will advise us to stop working under the bed and instead move under the stairs, where airborne transmission is hampered by spider webs and old roller skates.

In July, the Chinese government will claim the origin of Covid has been traced to men with beards so they will all be arrested and sent to re-education camps to teach them to shave. The World Health Organisation considers saying this isn’t true, but decides not to.

In August, the Edinburgh Festival and Fringe will return. It will claim to be “bigger and better”. Only one of these is true.

In September, a new Covid variant will emerge in St Helena but we won’t have to suspend flights because no one will be going anywhere anymore. The government will advise us to stop working under the stairs and instead hide behind the sofa because that worked when we used to be scared during Dr Who.

In October, Edinburgh City Council will warn the big Christmas and Hogmanay festival operators that they are in the last chance saloon unless they address concerns about the size and scale of the event.

In November, the council will approve plans by the big Christmas and Hogmanay festival operators to do whatever they want.

In December, a new Covid variant will emerge in London but we won’t have to suspend flights because no one will be going anywhere anymore.

The government will advise us to stop working behind the sofa and instead to go into offices which are much safer and more effective environments to actually get work done. We go back for a day and then stop for the Christmas holidays.

At the end of the month, we will raise a toast to the end of Covid and across the country on the stroke of midnight we will cross our fingers… and hope.

Happy New Year.

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