Boris Johnson's honours list has been waved through, I just wish I was on it - Alexander Brown

Things are so much easier in the other place, a retirement home that pays you for attending.

Do you like your job? I am imagining that you do not, or at least would prefer sacking it off, with the hassle of a commute and the pressures of delivery a distant memory.

I imagine this is especially true for an MP, a select group constantly criticised on social media, on the street, and by sarcastic columnists with no real responsibility who think they’re funnier than they are.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

Well fret not, if you somehow fall into that demographic. If travelling from your constituency to Westminster is a faff, and for most Scottish MPs it probably is, there is a way to still see all your work friends without any of the responsibility – and it comes in the neat form of a peerage.

The House of Lords Chamber. Picture: Alastair Grant/Getty ImagesThe House of Lords Chamber. Picture: Alastair Grant/Getty Images
The House of Lords Chamber. Picture: Alastair Grant/Getty Images

Sure, you have to show up and vote, though not every day because it’s not a real job, just one that pays you £322 a day plus travel expenses and subsidised food.

What’s more, the stress of being bad at your job goes away completely. Concerned about meeting the needs of your constituents? Not anymore sunshine, you haven’t got any.

Not really feeling work at the moment? That’s so fine, put your feet up pal, there is zero rush. All they ask is you show up at least once every six months, just to dip your toe in the political waters, before heading back to the real lakes or moats you presumably own.

Obviously some people take it a bit more seriously, like multi-millionaire Andrew Lloyd Webber, who flew back from New York especially to vote for a cut to tax credit, an act almost as damaging as the film adaptation of Cats.

Nadine Dorries is heading to the House of Lords.Nadine Dorries is heading to the House of Lords.
Nadine Dorries is heading to the House of Lords.

And don’t for a second worry about standards, as Lord Maginnis found out. Even bullying only gets you a suspension, being banned for 18 months. John Bercow wasn’t so lucky, making the mistake of being horrible before he made it to the Lords, dooming him to cosy podcast appearances with hosts ignoring his abuse because they share his views on Brexit. Isn’t he funny!

The only real way out, much like supporting a football team, is to die. Really it’s like retirement, but with more oversight and you’re getting paid on top of your pension.

Frankly, I’m deeply jealous, it’s a job you can’t lose. In the journalism industry where cuts are now universal, I’d love a safety net. I can’t afford a house, but I’ll take financial security.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

It’s a future the former culture secretary Nadine Dorries sadly cannot look forward to, having been vetoed from the list. As a result she’s now quit to force a by-election, because the only stronger feeling she has than loving Boris Johnson is hating Rishi Sunak.

Commiserations to her, it sounds like a hell of a gig. If someone came to me and said, hey Alex, swell job you’re doing with the journalism, but would you like to approve other people’s work occasionally and there’s a subsidised tea room, I’d say yes, but why didn’t you lead with the tea room.

Obviously appointments don’t just happen, I’d need approval from my peers (sorry), but I think I’d be good. Columnists already carp from the sidelines, and Ol’ Baron Brown has a certain ring to it, and I’m ready to serve, albeit at my own leisure.



Want to join the conversation? Please or to comment on this article.