Fiona McCade: SJP, Kate and Posh? I have some bad news for you…

Eventually, the discussion turned to what men find attractive in women, and – excluding a few dull interjections from fairly defunct rap star Coolio – this is what was said:

Ben: Some girls look better without make-up. My favourite thing is when a girl wears comfy pants, or comfy tracksuits. I know sometimes you have to get dressed up – obviously, if you're going to go to a club – but I prefer it when (girls] wear comfy stuff. I've got shot down in flames for this from every girlfriend I've had, but they go out and buy really sexy underwear and it doesn't do anything for me. 'Cos it's off in a second and on the floor!

Michelle: (After many expressions of amazement) That's not the point! I think it's important. I – now and again – would wear sexy underwear with heels. It's nice. It's good.

Ben: So at Christmas, when you have presents, does it matter if they're wrapped with the most amazing paper, or just any paper?

Michelle: Any present looks good with amazing paper.

Ben: Yes, but does it make any difference?

Michelle: Yes.

Ben: See, for me, it doesn't.

This exchange caused much discussion in the McCade household, but for once, Mr M and I were in total agreement. Michelle, listen to the man. Don't interrupt! He's giving you vital – nay, priceless – information that could transform the rest of your life. He's telling you What Men Really Want.

While it was deemed acceptable to make a film called What Women Want, the obvious follow-up has never been made because the title What Men Want would probably be deemed too sexist. It would be considered politically incorrect and anti-feminist to care too much about what men think, but knowing what men want would probably liberate an awful lot of women one helluva lot faster than it takes to read The Female Eunuch.

The fact is that although millions of sisters say they're doing it for themselves – having Botox, slimming, wearing exotic lingerie – they're not. They're doing it for men and to get men. (Do you honestly think wearing sexy undies is "important", Michelle? Important for whom?) And if men don't want it, who's wasting time and money?

So, in the name of international sisterhood, I have conducted a quick straw poll of my male acquaintances, to find out what they find attractive in a woman. All the intelligent, heterosexual men that I could find between the ages of 34 and 42 contributed and they all pretty much agreed on the same things. The findings may, or may not, surprise you, but they will definitely save you a bob or two.

1) Nice face. You can get away with just about anything if you can make your face pretty. Forget your bum, they're not looking at that. Pretty, dumpy girl wins over horse-faced skinny girl every time. It's why I've never met a man who fancies Sarah Jessica Parker, despite that fact that women love her.

2) While we're on the subject, no men fancy Kate Moss either. (OK, I knew one bloke who did, ten years ago, but none since.) "Skanky and wears weird clothes," was one comment. So don't waste your cash at Topshop, whatever the glossy mags tell you.

3) All underwear is acceptable, so long as it's clean. It's what's in it that matters.

4) It's been said many times before, and in zillions of surveys and polls, but because so many of us are still starving ourselves despite all the evidence that it's pointless and damaging, I'll say it again: men are fine with female body fat.

5) Men want a woman who actively enjoys life, rather than being hung up on how she looks, or what she's wearing.

6) All men are looking forward to the day when they can let themselves go, so they don't want a high-maintenance woman making them feel bad about themselves. They want you to relax, too. Being married to Victoria Beckham is the last thing most men want.

So, forget the expensive knickers and mad dieting. Have fun and relax. And let's face it, once you're doing that, it doesn't matter if you have a man or not.