Commitment to 'us' doesn't mean the end of road for 'me'

WHEN a couple commit to becoming 'we' or 'us', they are setting up an identity as a couple – a uniqueness which sets them apart from everyone else.

Professor Robert Levenson's findings are interesting, and more complex than they may first appear. His research suggests it is well worth giving up a bit of 'me' to survive in a relationship, and of course a couple who have spent half a lifetime or more overcoming problems, sharing experiences and confirming their commitment will have the 'we' habit.

But to be truly fulfilled and contented, it is essential also to hold on to a sense of individual identity within the relationship, and also to be able to function if it comes to an end, for whatever reason.

As there is often a slim line between 'contented' and 'smug', so is there between 'close' and 'merged'. A couple who become symbiotic in their closeness – functioning almost as one person both emotionally and in practical terms – can become trapped, unable to function without one another. If the relationship becomes difficult – if, perhaps one partner no longer has the need or desire to be part of 'us' – it can stifle rather than nurture. It is only worth being in a relationship if it is healthy, sustaining and fulfilling.

External factors – social pressures or misguided beliefs – can reinforce the need for 'we-ness'. For example, some years ago, a bill was passed in Scotland shortening the waiting time for divorce. Many argued that this would make divorce easier and there was a resurgence of the old myth that it was better to stay together 'for the sake of the children'. But parents feeling themselves trapped in a bad relationship do not create an ideal environment for children, and research has shown that children with parents in a good, separate relationship are likely to fare better than children with parents in a bad relationship.

If they seek a more thoughtful and communicative route to the end of their relationship, a route which allows and encourages them to continue in their joint role as parents, they will, with a degree of compromise and selflessness, ensure a happier future for their children.

It may not be easy, but it must be worth the effort if children are still able to refer to their family – parents, grandparents and themselves – as 'us' not 'them'.

• Gay Hickey is head of public affairs at Relationships Scotland