Claire Black: I whined as I perused the fry-up aisle

WHAT do you reckon happened to sales of bacon last week? I’d bet a bottle of HP sauce that they went up. Especially on Thursday. Why?

Only because that was the day the announcement was made that people who eat a lot of processed meat such as ham, sausages and, yes, bacon run a greater risk of premature death and developing conditions such as cancer and heart disease.

Mmm, mmm, it’s enough to make your belly rumble, isn’t it? Well, yes, actually it is, if this rather worrying news is accompanied (as every story that I read was) with a picture of a bacon sandwich.

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Rashers of crispy bacon nestled between slices of thick, white bread. It was the pork equivalent of the Marlboro Man. As an example of reverse psychology it was genius. Never mind that the people who eat most processed meat are 44 per cent more likely to die prematurely than those who eat hardly any. Bread toasted or untoasted?

Never mind that high levels of consumption increased the risk of death from heart disease by 72 per cent and cancer by 11 per cent. Smoked or unsmoked?

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I don’t even eat bacon sarnies very often, but after ogling them on every news outlet’s homepage – and learning of their life-threatening potential, of course – I spent the entire day longing for one.

“Why is everything that tastes so good so bad for us?” I whined as I perused the fry-up aisle in the supermarket. I live in Leith – we actually have one of those. As it turns out, talking to yourself in a pleading voice as you gaze longingly at meat products is a more effective disincentive than statistics about cancer, since I saw several people put down their bangers and leave swiftly as I blethered on.

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It’s the salts used during the curing process that cause the problems, apparently. They’re antibacterial which is good because they stop botulism, but less good in that they’ve been linked to an increased rate of cancer. We need to cut down. But how? I have the answer.

We need the help of a piglet called Chris P Bacon. Have you seen him? He’s a beautiful little porker who happens not to have use of his back legs. Happily for him he’s owned by a vet who made him a little harness with wheels which means he can get about just fine. He’s an internet sensation; look him up. He’s cute, but, better than that, he really will put you off bacon butties.

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I DO realise that International Women’s Day was last week, but today is Mother’s Day and mothers are women, too, so I think it’s fair for me to draw attention to the unbelievably depressing news just in that women in the UK experience greater pay inequality than their counterparts in most other developed countries. That’s right, folks, we languish 18th out of 27th on the five indicators of female economic empowerment. Happy Mother’s Day –can I borrow a tenner?

TAKE note because this really doesn’t happen very often: I am about to praise Boris Johnson. Crazy, huh? But I have good reason. BoJo has just unveiled a 900 million quid plan to create largely segregated cycle lanes right through the heart of London. Do you hear that, locally elected representatives of Scotland? «

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• Last week Claire... Claire saw that an enthusiastic One Direction fan at their Glasgow gig had chucked her shoe at the stage and caught Harry Styles right in the nether regions. Ouch. It reminded her of when she saw a Take That fan at their Glasgow gig punching Mark in the head

• Last week Claire... saw an exhibition of Sarah Lucas’s work and it made her laugh and gasp and feel slightly weird. A good result she reckons

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Twitter: @Scottiesays