Best joke to baffle non-Scots

A WOMAN WALKS INTO A BAKER'S AND ASKS:

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

The baker replies: "No, you're right, hen, it's a doughnut."

A MAN WALKS INTO A BUTCHER'S ON A COLD DAY... … and welcomes the sight of an electric heater with both bars on behind the counter.

Perusing the meats, he asks: "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?"

"No," replies the butcher, "it's only my hands I'm warming."

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BING CROSBY AND WALT DISNEY?

Bing sings, Walt disnae.

A WOMAN GOES TO THE DENTIST AND SETTLES DOWN INTO THE CHAIR.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan" she replies.

A MAN WALKS INTO AN ANTIQUES SHOP... …and asks: "How much for the set of antlers?"

"Two hundred quid," says the man behind the counter.

"That's affa deer," says the man.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIGEON THAT GOES TO AVIEMORE FOR ITS HOLIDAYS?

A skean dhu.

THERE'S 50 COWS IN A FIELD. WHICH ONE IS GOING ON HOLIDAY? A: the one with the wee calf.

TEN COWS IN A FIELD, WHICH IS THE ONE WITH ALL THE OIL? A: Coo eight.

A MAN TAKES A PAIR OF SHOES BACK TO THE SHOP... …and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label – it says Taiwan."

BEING INTERVIEWED FOR A JOB AS A GLASGOW BUS DRIVER... …a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"

"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.

"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"

"I'd probably just take the first two weeks in August instead," he replies.