Louisa Pearson: ‘Is mucus the same as phlegm? All I know is that my body is producing gallons of the stuff’

WOE is me. I’m in the GP’s surgery with a stethoscope pressed against my back. “Breathe deeply,” she says and I try to oblige with all the strength of a Victorian heroine battling consumption.

It has not been a good week. What started as a nagging cough has developed into a full-blown disaster movie. It can only be a matter of time before people in hazmat suits put me in quarantine in order to save the human race. And you thought man flu was bad. When the Goddess catches the common cold, everything grinds to a halt.

Where does mucus come from? That’s a question that’s been much on my mind lately. Is mucus the same as phlegm? All I know is that my body is producing gallons of the stuff. It mostly appears at night, when I’d much rather be sleeping. Having previously joked about catching the deadly hantavirus 
in Yosemite, it wasn’t long before I’d convinced myself I’d succumbed.

When the doctor heard my theory she chuckled and announced, “Your lungs sound clear.” Realising the “inhale steam and drink lots of fluids” advice wasn’t enough, she threw in a prescription for antibiotics. Everyone knows these don’t have any effect on a virus, but when I’m sick I’ll take any pills going.

Let’s look at the environmental cost of my cold. I have got through three boxes of tissues, several packets of lozenges, leftover bits of two old bottles of cough syrup and many, many packets of powdered flu remedy. Like the antibiotics, I know these are a complete waste of time, but when your throat feels like someone’s working a blowtorch on it and your head’s about to explode you’ll try anything.

According to the NHS, “There isn’t much evidence that certain over the counter (OTC) medicines are effective.” Paracetamol, aspirin and ibuprofen are approved, but just about everything else comes with a pinch of salt. Can you see how feverish I am? I’ve accidentally started writing a health column.

How to treat your cold in an eco-friendly way? Put your head over a bowl of boiling water with some eucalyptus or other invigorating essential oil in it. Drink lots of fluids. Rest. Consume hot water with lemon and honey. If you’re brave give yourself a nasal saline irrigation. Use lots of garlic and ginger in your cooking. When I worked in a health food shop our standard mantra was echinacea, vitamin C and zinc. Even the NHS admits zinc works.

Need a lozenge? My herbal one of choice is Ricola, made with herbs from a Swiss mountain (let’s not think about the air miles but rather picture ourselves as Heidi or Peter – positive visualisation is the first step to health). Every time you try one of these natural remedies you will be avoiding all the nasty synthetic colours and artificial additives in OTC medicines.

What about tissues? Mr Green informs me I should be burning my used ones to avoid causing an epidemic. Mr Green is also ill but has been self-medicating with a hot toddy recipe he found in a Nigel Slater cookbook – it involves cinnamon sticks, cloves, honey, lemon, hot water and whisky and it certainly seems to offer short-term gains.

I have spent no time whatsoever sourcing organic cotton tissues, but they do exist (at sites like www.nigelsecostore.com or www.goodnessdirect.co.uk).

Adults have between two and four colds a year. I promise my next one will be handled in a far more environmentally sensitive way. Now, where are those antibiotics?