Restaurant review: Viva Brazil, Glasgow

Just as well, as, on a wintery Tuesday afternoon, there isn’t much of a Rio Carnival vibe in Glasgow city centre, and all the other diners in this massive 240-cover eatery seemed to be blokes in grey suits.

My friend, Duncan and I were here to try their “rodizio” lunch (£13.95pp, or £23.95pp for dinner).

Our waiter explained how this Brazilian concept works. He pointed out the coasters on our tables, which were emblazoned with “nao obrigado” (“no thanks”) in red on the upper side and “sim por favor” (“yes please”) in green on the back. The theory goes, once you’re ready to turn this cardboard disc over onto the latter side, various types of meat will be presented to your table by their troop of passadors (carvers).

Before that, you descend on the salad bar, which is in the centre of this burgundy-painted Hacienda-style space.

I use the word “salad” very loosely, as the buffet offerings include pure de batata (spring onion mash), cured meats, olives, bread, galinhada chicken (poultry with orange juice, rice, tomatoes and peppers), veggie mixtures containing chickpeas, green beans or avocado, plus a stack of pao de queijo (cheesey buns), among many other things.

You may be able to find your five-a-day amongst the miscellany.

There was also a huge steaming cauldron of feijoada (“Brazil’s favourite dish!” said the label), which consisted of a watery black bean broth that contained smoked pork chunks – a couple of which were rather hirsute, and had to be returned into the Bovril-coloured depths, where they belonged.

Still, aside from the bits of hairy pig, Duncan and I helped ourselves to a smattering of almost everything.

Unfortunately, although garlic, chillies, spices and citrus fruits had all been mentioned on the explanatory cards that were propped alongside each dish, nothing turned out to have much flavour at all.

It was all fresh and perfectly edible, but totally lacking in ay-ay-ay.

Before we’d had a chance to get halfway through these offerings and prepare to flip our discs, a young (and slightly surly) passador arrived, with his red tie and giant metal skewer, to serve us meat that had been cooked on the churrascaria (barbecue).

In total, they serve 15 types of protein, a miscellaneous version of which will arrive at your table every four minutes or so, until, presumably, you slide under the table in a meat-induced coma.

There was pork with Parmesan, u-shaped beef ribs, a rustic leg of lamb, chicken wings swaddled in bacon, chilli chicken, gammon, plus sirloin, flank and rump steak. We had a wad of each, and a couple of options came round twice.

Some of it was decent (the umami pork and the sirloin), but the rest was rather cremated.

There was certainly enough brown protein to last me a lifetime. Mind you, my dining partner seemed to enjoy the machismo of this carnivorous groundhog day, and found it difficult to refuse the passador’s advances.

On to pudding, and the papaya cream (£4.25) was a sloppier version of Angel Delight, with a drizzle of maroon creme de cassis across the top. I ignored my choice, and picked at Duncan’s truffly chocolate brigadeiro (£4.25), which tasted decent and was covered in cocoa sprinkles and teamed with squirty cream.

I have an inkling that the food at this chain, which also has a branch in Liverpool, might taste better if washed down with one of their 20 varieties of caipirinha cocktails (which contain cachaça rum, lime and sugar, from £6.50 each) and I bet they foster a Latin American party atmosphere in the evenings. I’m also pretty sure that the all-you-can-eat portions will keep some of their customers satisfied.

Still, I won’t be dusting off my ostrich feathers for a return visit any time soon.

Viva Brazil

87-91 Bothwell Street, Glasgow

(0141-204 0240, www.vivabrazilrestaurants.com)

How much?

Lunch for two, excluding drinks, £36.40