Restaurant review: One Square, Edinburgh

Apparently, this Orwellian screen was erected in 2009 to “celebrate” the Olympics 2012. I only wished that I owned a car-sized switcher, so I could sit on the big red off-button.

Beyond the constant stream of sports coverage, this place offers views of the Usher Hall, Edinburgh Castle and a multitude of skateboarding urchins.

It reopened last month, after the multi-million pound refurbishment of The Sheraton Hotel. As you enter, there’s now a lounge area, with low-slung seating. On the left is the restaurant, with tartan banquettes and lampshades that look as if they’ve been made from coat-hangers. On the right – a smart marble fronted bar, with lettuce-green Dr Evil-esque armchairs, and iridescent pendant lights that resemble Fairy Liquid bubbles.

With executive chef, Malcolm Fraser, at the helm, they’ve designed a menu that has been inspired by “the grand British cafe”.

Open from 7am until midnight, you can have breakfast, afternoon tea, a sarnie, or their Dish of the Day (fish pie with cheesy mash on our Friday evening visit), among other treats.

We started with pan-fried Tarbert fish cake (£13) and the potted ham haugh (£8), both of which are described on the menu as signature dishes. The latter was presented on a piece of wood, which meant that our waiter had to balance the accompanying Scotch egg against his wrist, so it wouldn’t trundle off the edge. I’m okay with that, but the more squeamish might have wanted to decant that hard-boiled quail’s egg, in a pork sausage pod straight into the skip.

This came alongside a jar packed with burly shredded ham. This was good, although the accompanying pickled onion and cauliflower-laden piccalilli, served in a ramekin, needed more zing.

My co-presenter, Rolf, was pleased with his crabby patty, which was a bit wet (thanks to being served on top of a chopped tomato and black olive mixture), but was packed with crustacea.

It was accompanied by a wholegrain mustard sauce, as well as a salad of raw spinach leaves and walnut crumbs.

Next up, I wanted a classic Omelette Arnold Bennett (£13), just so I could say “Gordon Bennett, it’s an Omelette Arnold Bennett!” when it arrived. Unfortunately, nobody laughed.

Aside from the fact that this was too pale on top, it wasn’t bad, with a pool of cheese sauce and plenty of flaked haddock atop an eggy base. A bit longer under the grill and it would’ve done Arnie proud. However, this dish’s sidekick of “green salad”, was a rather retro mixture of nude lollo rosso, cucumber, halved cherry tomatoes, red onion and peppers.

Our other main course – the market selection of seafood with lemon and garden herb oil (£18) – was a dud.

This featured four pieces of “sustainable fish” – aka a small piece of cold and baggy-skinned pollock, a mean fillet of salmon, and two matchbox-sized and rather grey-looking planks of chargrilled tuna, all corralled by a circle of tomato jus and another of basil oil.

There was also a whole prawn, which had been semi-butterflied (from the waist down), but still boasted most of what Rolf described as “its poop chute”.

Never mind, we were consoled by our side of crispy-topped pan haggerty (£3), which was a cheese and onion sticky-savoury puck.

For pudding, I ordered the One Square Mess (£6), just so I could say, “That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into,” when it landed. Tumbleweed.

This was as sickeningly sweet as Shirley Temple smooching the Andrex puppy, with its blend of crushed pistachio meringue and cream, set off by a scoop of cocoa ice-cream, half a poached pear, a dark chocolate lattice and a pistachio tuille.

Rolf’s equally busy dessert – the “rhubarb crumble and custard, poached rhubarb, sorbet, custard ice-cream and crumble topping” (£7.50) – was chosen from the Frozen Twists list of ice-creamy things.

He enjoyed most of the elements – especially the custardy glace, the rhubarb sorbet and a freeze-dried sheet of raspberry pulp. The brown meringue, aka “crumble topping”, seemed a bit superfluous. But, still, good party food.

The refurbishment has been a success – sadly, when it comes to the TV dinners, One Square needs a bit more time to get with the programme.