30 of the best Christmas jokes 2019 - from cringey one-liners to funny jokes for kids

Christmas is one of the jolliest times of the year. So what better time to roll out some amusing gags?

(Photo: Shutterstock)
(Photo: Shutterstock)

Whether you're looking to stuff a homemade cracker with a unique (but suitably terrible) joke, or just entertain the children, friends or relatives at parties and family gatherings this festive period, here are 30 of the most cringe inducing holiday jokes.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show!

Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!

How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross-mouse cards!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!

What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf farm.

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf esteem!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!

When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift!

Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Santa going through a revolving door!

What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!

What do you call buying a piano for the holidays? Christmas Chopin!

What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas? A stoc-king!

Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had no body to go with!

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!

Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill? The National Elf Service!