25 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips
By Group Reporter
Published 28th Feb 2019, 14:03 BST
Updated 7th Mar 2019, 08:57 BST
No one tells a joke like Glasgow's Billy Connolly
Laugh till you're sore with 25 of Billy Connolly's best jokes.
We compiled some of "The Big Yin's" finest jokes, observations and quips - here are 25 of his finest lines:
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesnt try it on.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. Can you describe the symptoms to me? Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and youll have the time of your life!
A lot of people say its a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Ive always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
