21 hilarious jokes about Scotland and Scottish people

Scottish people aren't afraid to laugh at themselves – as these jokes illustrate perfectly.

We pride ourselves for our sense of humour in Scotland and rightly so – with some of the greatest comedians of all time hailing from north of the border.

Chic Murray, Stanley Baxter, Billy Connolly, Frankie Boyle, Kevin Bridges, Limmy, Janey Godley, Fern Brady, Craig Ferguson, Jerry Sadowitz...the list goes on and on.

And one of their – and our – favourite subjects to take the mickey out of are the Scots.

So here are 21 great jokes about Scottish people – by Scottish people.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. (Billy Connolly)

What do you call a man from Glasgow who’s lost his dog?

Douglas.

Kevin Bridges

Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae. (Frankie Boyle)

A man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.

"We don’t do cocktails," replies the barman.

What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden?

Frankie Boyle.

He rooted it oot. (Sanjeev Kohli)

What is a Scottish snack that is gloated about?

Braggis

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. (Billy Connolly)

There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt.

He will show you at the drop of a hat. (Fred MacCaulay)

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on. (Chic Murray)

What's the difference between Scotland and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

I've seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I'll never know. (Christopher Macarthur-Boyd)

An Englishman said to a Scot: “Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?”

“England”, replied the Scot.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards. (Billy Connolly)

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb.

"Is it Scotch?”, I asked.

"Why?” the butcher said in reply. “Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”.

"In that case, have you got any wild duck?”.

"No”, he responded, “but I've got one I could aggravate for you” (Chic Murray)

Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich.

We managed to make it home in one piece. (Sanjeev Kohli)

Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it’s one o’clock. (Kevin Bridges)

The Scottish football manager thinks tactics are a new kind of mint. (Billy Connolly)

The city of Glasgow was recently announced as Europe’s murder capital, but also voted the UK’s friendliest city. In the same week. We got our act together pronto. (Kevin Bridges)

I asked a Scottish man today why they wear those skirts.

He replied “the last guy that called it a skirt, got kilt”.

A message from the Editor:

Thank you for reading this article. We're more reliant on your support than ever as the shift in consumer habits brought about by Coronavirus impacts our advertisers.

If you haven't already, please consider supporting our trusted, fact-checked journalism by taking out a digital subscription.