Mark Stalker on parenting apart

I have recently split from my partner of six years. We have a daughter who is four. She is still in the family home with my ex-girlfriend and I want to see her as much as I can.

The problem is that my ex and I get on each other's nerves and always start shouting in front of our daughter. I usually walk away or the door gets slammed in my face. I want things to be better but I don't know how to start a discussion without causing an argument.

This is a really difficult situation for all three of you but it is very common in the early stages of a separation. When parents separate, the whole family goes through a grieving process that is often compared to the death of a loved one. Some people have even described it as being worse because there is no real closure for them. The point is that this leads to exactly the type of strong emotions you are describing, often with both parents focusing more on the issues between one another rather than on those affecting a child.

In your case, your daughter is witnessing you shouting at one another and I’ll bet she feels very sad that the two most important people in her life are always angry with each other. Children at your daughter’s age often feel responsible for their parents having separated, and seeing you both like this may reinforce that for her.

I know it is hard but you must try to avoid conflict in front of her. She needs to know you both love her and that this is not her fault.

SHOULD WE GO TO COURT?

My husband and I have separated and can't agree about our three children. He has said he’s going to get a lawyer and take me to court. I don’t want him to see the kids as he has been a terrible father and worked all the time anyway.

The children are four, six and eight, amd I thought about asking them if they want the court to decide what happens. I will also let them know their father has left us with hardly any money. How should I do this?

I understand the frustration you must be feeling but you should think long and hard about involving your children in what is really a matter for you and your husband to decide. If you end up getting lawyers involved that is something for you both to deal with. Children need to be shielded as far as possible from the realities of court unless, or until, they actually need to be involved. They still need to be children after their parents separate, and involving them in these kinds of things prematurely means they have to grow up far faster than they might otherwise have done.

Similarly, you should consider whether telling them that their father has left you short of money is going to help them. Most children think of themselves as being half Mum and half Dad, and hearing these types of things can be hugely distressing to them. They may well be aware that there is less money in the house, and they may worry about whether they can still have the things their friends have. They need to feel reassured by their parents that everything will be OK and that Mum and Dad are still in charge, even if it might not feel like that at the time.

Many parents find themselves in a situation like yours, and it can feel like there is no way out of the endless arguments while frustrations grow ever-deeper. I would recommend that you consider contacting your local family mediation service and arrange an informal meeting to discuss these issues further – perhaps mediators can help you both move forward for a better future for you and your children. n

Mark Stalker is the manager of Relationships Scotland family mediation, South Lanarkshire (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)