Lifelines: Sibling rivalry can have a huge impact in the home

BROTHERLY BOTHER

We have two sons, aged eight and ten, and a daughter, aged four. They are all lovely on their own but the boys are constantly at each other, and if I turn my back for a moment they are arguing and fighting. My eldest boy has always been jealous of his brother and knows just which buttons to press to make him furious. We have tried ‘divide and conquer’ but I feel my daughter really misses out here as she gets very little time on her own with either of us since we both work full time. This constant fighting between the boys is ruining home life and holidays, and is putting a strain on mine and my husband’s relationship as we are both constantly stressed and angry at home.

A family life that holds a lot of conflict is stressful for everyone, whatever the children’s ages. Although frustrating, sibling rivalry provides an important developmental task for children. I wonder if you and your husband agree on how to manage their behaviour? Is there a chance that you are feeling outnumbered as you refer to trying a ‘divide and conquer’ approach. Yet, in truth, you are both powerful role models in how you resolve difficulties and disagreements.By ensuring you deal with conflicts in a way that is considerate and respectful, you will be modelling approaches that your children are likely to adopt. Try to offer each child a little individual and special time each week. Even 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with either parent, if offered consistently over a period of time, will reap good results. Sibling rivalry can be reduced if parents refuse to compare or stereotype their children, and teach positive ways to get attention. In managing behaviours, if you and your partner can identify a set of house rules that you can both stick with and support each other as they are tested by each child, you may soon discover that a united front is what will help your children feel secure about you, themselves and their unique place in the family.

SISTERLY STRAIN

My sister and I were never particularly close, and as children we fought a great deal. We found common ground more recently as our children all get along very well with each other and she was living overseas, so we met only once or twice a year. A year ago, she and her family moved back to Scotland, close to my mother. This has totally changed my relationship with my mother, whose every move now seems controlled by my sister. For example, my mother recently told me it was not convenient for us to visit her as it did not suit my sister. My sister also did not tell me when my mother was very ill recently. Previously, my mother would have rung to tell me. I feel like a total outcast in my own family.

• It sounds as though you and your sister are like approximately a third of the adult population, who describe their sibling relationship as rivalrous or distant. Psychologists think sibling rivalry can start even before a second child is born, and as the children continue to grow and develop, their pattern of competing for everything from toys to parental attention can also flourish. This seems especially prevalent between same-sex children who are close in age.

You seem to view your sister as the dominant and controlling element within the family dynamic. And she may well be. The incidents you describe are hurtful, and our primal fear of being excluded from the family group is a powerful one. However, resist falling into your old pattern within the family dynamic. My hope is that you are able to work with this in a way that enables you to develop your assertiveness and encourages greater self-esteem. In truth, you don’t need to seek approval or permission from your family. You have a right to be told if your mother is unwell.

It takes a lot of energy to change existing relational patterns, but it’s worth it. A counsellor can help you examine inner blueprints, and it may be useful for family members to attend a number of family mediation sessions. Mediation can be useful in facilitating understanding and agreement in families with situations just like your own.

Wendy Brown is a counsellor and supervisor with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)