Lifelines: Helen Weston on the Autumn blues

MY PARTNER does not deal well with the clock change

She can’t bear the dark evenings and refuses to get out of bed before it gets light. Luckily, she works from home so is never late.

She becomes more grumpy as winter goes on, and I don’t know if I can face it again. She doesn’t seem to notice how moody she gets.

We have been discussing moving abroad, which she is keen to do, but my job isn’t as transferable as hers. Do you have any suggestions on how we can deal with this as I would really like us to stay together.

ANSWER

I don’t think we properly understand the complex relationship humans have with darkness and light. I could say your partner is probably suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and would almost certainly benefit from lightbox therapy, but it feels like pathologising an important aspect of the human condition.

An alternative way of looking at your partner’s behaviour is that she is in tune with her body’s natural rhythms and responding in the most sensible way she knows. It may be that we are all naturally hibernating creatures and the instinct to roll into a ball and emerge only as the light returns is the right one.

It is instructive to look at the spike in suicides in Scandinavia (though, interestingly, not in Iceland) in the depths of winter. What do they do to combat the dark? One of their most creative responses is to fill every available space with candles – windowsills, tables, bookshelves and even graves.

There is a kind of respect in this response, an acknowledgement that we need help to get through this dead time, when everything outside is dark or frozen.

I find it helpful to think of winter as a time of hidden growth, like bulbs in a dark cupboard. If you can think like that and celebrate your partner’s awareness of this hidden process of death and rebirth, then you might cope with it better.

I would certainly recommend that your partner looks into lightbox therapy, as research indicates a marked improvement in mood. But, in the meantime, buy some tealights, fire up the candle tray and you could turn autumn and winter into a magical time for both of you.

POSITIVE THOUGHTS

I am only 72, which, compared to a lot of my friends is quite young. I was very fit and healthy until last winter, when I slipped on ice in the street. I broke my ankle quite badly and was then stuck inside for months. Friends were great at first, but after a while only a few who lived close by came to see me. I couldn’t drive and was very isolated.

My ankle is still weak and swells up if I walk or stand for too long. I am so worried about the coming winter as I know I won’t be able to go out when the weather is bad. I can’t bear the thought of being stuck in and alone all winter.

ANSWER

It sounds like you need to do a bit of strategic planning. There are a lot of practical things you can do to stop yourself becoming isolated again.

Now is the time to go out and get yourself some really tough shoes with good grips on the soles, so that you won’t slip on the ice. Arrange some strengthening work on your ankle with a good sports physiotherapist. Join a leisure centre with a spa pool, where you can get yourself fit again in pleasurable surroundings.

All these things should help your mood by making you feel that you are in control of your life again. The sports psychologists are right about the benefits of a positive mindset, so stay on the alert for what cognitive behavioural therapists call negative automatic thoughts. You need to challenge the ones that tell you you can’t do it, and prove them wrong.

I am majoring on exercise because it is proven to lift the spirits by releasing endorphins, which produce a ‘natural high’. Perhaps you could sign up for the next Race for Life or emulate the stars on Strictly Come Dancing and join a dance class. It sounds like you need some good company again as well as regaining your physical mobility, so maybe joining your local U3A (University of the Third Age) is part of the answer. I suspect you have a lot to give as well as to receive, so you could maybe lead a class in something yourself. The world is your oyster. It is just a case of taking that first step.

• Helen Weston is joint head of professional practice for Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)