Lifelines: Anne Chilton on armed forced families

Since she was tiny, my ‘wee girl’ has always wanted to be a nurse in the army and finally she is getting to fulfil her dream and is leaving to start her training soon.

I always thought it was something she would grow out of and eventually she would decide to be a nurse closer to home. However, her determination has never wavered and, quite frankly, I am terrified. I lie awake at night thinking about all the dangerous situations she will be in and imagining the day I am told that something terrible has happened to her. Her mum says I should focus on the good things and stop worrying about what may never happen.

ANSWER

It sounds as though you still want to protect your daughter from all the bad things that might happen to her, while she is looking forward to all the exciting and sometimes challenging things that might be ahead. It’s something she has dreamed of and it’s the fulfilment of that dream that needs to be celebrated, just as you celebrated her first steps and riding a bike on her own. You helped and supported her then, held on to the back of the bike until you felt she was safe enough to go off on her own. Now, though, you won’t be able to offer that protection. Your ‘wee girl’ will be off on her own, albeit with plenty of support from those she is working with, and you will be left with the worry and the pride.

These are the bits about being a parent we don’t think about when they are little: that as our children grow we will have to deal with the worry and sadness of not being able to protect them as much. Whether she was leaving to go to work as a nurse in a different city or off on an overseas tour of duty, she will always face difficult and challenging situations and dealing with them will be all the easier knowing she has a loving and caring dad back home who is proud of her. Maybe you could talk to her about how you feel while also letting her know how proud you are of her.

HE’S CHANGED

My partner left the army about six months ago. He loved his job but I found it difficult with him being away a lot and the kids were getting to an age when they really missed him. We talked about it before he decided to leave and I thought we were set for a less anxious future. I was looking forward to him being at home more and us having more time together. This hasn’t happened. He is moody and bad tempered, we bicker all the time, he criticises the way I look after the children and he is drinking more. He has found it hard to find a job he likes and has walked out on a couple saying they were boring. I have tried asking him what is wrong but he just says nothing. I keep trying to be positive but it’s getting more difficult and I just want to walk away.

ANSWER

No matter how much we talk things through and plan before the event, when we move into a new life we have to deal with not only the practical changes but also the emotional changes. It sounds as though he is trying to deal with establishing a new and different life while also trying to work through ending the life he had before. When we make big changes we often only look at what the future will be like and don’t always think about what we might be leaving behind. I wonder how difficult it is for him trying to adapt to life outside the army. Does he miss his friends, the structure, knowing what he should be doing? Changes of this magnitude take time to work through and it sounds like he is trying to cope by ignoring how he is feeling and you are trying to push things forward. Sometimes we need to stop and say this isn’t working and really talk about it. If that feels too difficult to do on your own, you might consider arranging to meet with a counsellor who could help you both talk about how you feel and help you work together to manage the changes towards the future you both want.

Anne Chilton is a consultant in professional practice at Relationships Scotland www.relationships-scotland.org.uk (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)