Lifelines: Anne Chilton on brothers and sisters

It’s always me who arranges family gatherings and events. I’m the one who makes sure they all know what they should be doing and when to be places. It has been like that since we were young; Mum and Dad both worked and it was often down to me to arrange things, make sure homework was done and that they had their gym kits ready for the next day.

On the whole, I don’t mind doing it as I suppose I like being in charge. But now I have a big birthday approaching and they keep asking what we’re doing to celebrate. It’s my birthday and yet still it’s down to me to organise something.

It sounds as though you are really fed up of doing things for everyone else and would really like someone to organise something for you; for you to be the one who can just turn up and it all be done. The difficulty is that they maybe your siblings don’t know this is what you long for as you have always been the one to do all the arranging so they just assume that is how it will be now.

Families often get stuck in the habit of doing things the same old way because no one considers there might be another way of doing it. For things to change, things need to be different and someone needs to take the risk of making that happen.

I wonder if you have considered talking to your brother and sisters and letting them know that for a change you would really like someone to organise something for you. As you have always done it in the past, they will be waiting for a lead from you; maybe the lead they need it that you are not going to be in control of this event and that it’s over to them.

This will be a big change for them, and for you – as you will have to trust that they do it. The first step here though is to tell them this is what you want; it’s a risk worth taking.

I DON’T LIKE HIM

My older brother and I have never really got on. To be truthful, I try to avoid him. I ask after him when I see Mum and Dad and send cards and presents at all the usual celebrations, but I don’t really want to spend time with him. As he does the same for me and mine, I am guessing he doesn’t have much enthusiasm for my company either.

The problem now is that Mum and Dad are approaching their golden wedding anniversary and want to have a ‘family’ event: a weekend away for me and my brother and our families. The very thought is making shivers run down my spine. The last thing I want to do is upset Mum and Dad and yet I could scream with rage – I don’t like him.

It sounds as if you are still a raging child in relation to your brother. While we can grow up and develop our own lives and families, it is sometimes difficult to leave the echoes of past hurts and pains behind us, and they can rebound into our lives at the least opportunity.

Your description of your relationship with your brother sounds like two children who never sorted out their differences and reactivate old wounds and pains whenever they come into each other’s orbits. Letting go of the past is hard, especially when it’s linked to childhood. However, you both have the chance now to do something different; to openly talk about your problems because you will both want your parents to enjoy their anniversary.

Maybe you could write to him and say that, while you aren’t close, you feel you both need to make an effort to ensure the event is good for your parents. See what he says.

No matter who started rows in the past, someone has to begin the making-up process. Maybe you can relate to each other as adults and let childhood battles stay where they belong: in the past.

• Anne Chilton is joint head of professional practice at Relationships Scotland click here to visit www.relationships-scotland.org.uk