Lifelines: Anne Chilton on Anxiety

HEAVY LOAD

Recently I’ve started to feel like walking away from my family and not coming back. It’s not that I don’t love my wife and children; it’s just sometimes it seems so overwhelming.

The house is always noisy and the children’s stuff seems to fill every inch. I got a new job last year that pays more but it’s stressful and uninteresting. The children’s education costs a fortune and then there are the holidays, the music lessons – it seems endless. I lie awake at night wondering what  I’m doing it for. All the fun has  gone out of family life for me.

It sounds as though you are carrying all the responsibility for ensuring your family have full and happy lives while you just pick up the tab, with no way off what feels like a treadmill. You may feel you are running as fast as you can without getting anywhere, and realise you are running out of steam.

How much are you actually part of the family you’re striving so hard to support? Spending all your time earning cash to pay for your children to do things you never see or join in with doesn’t seem a good deal for you or them.

Day-to-day living isn’t all about providing for things. It’s about how we live each day and the enjoyments we find in those days, and that seems to be the difficulty – there is little enjoyment for you. Maybe you should talk to your partner about how unhappy you are; maybe your wife and kids miss you as much as you miss them. Or you might want to consider talking to a counsellor, giving you both space to reflect on the changes and see if they are what you both really want.

BACK ON MY FEET

I was in a road accident about six months ago – not my fault – which left me with broken bones and aches and pains that are now healing well. But I’ve been at home for so long now, unable to get out, that I’m anxious about going out on my own. Up to now, I’ve had someone with me in case I fell or needed help but I feel I should be back on my own two feet. Every time I think I am OK to go out I feel so anxious and I put it off. I used to be so sociable and outgoing but now  I feel I might never get back to my old self again.

Getting back on your feet will have taken courage and determination This has been successful for the broken bones, so you need to apply the same principles to building up your confidence. Obviously you may feel a bit shaky when you first go out. However, you have to remember,there is no evidence that anything bad is going to happen to you. When you start to feel a bit anxious, stop, take a few slow, deep breaths and say out loud that you are in charge. You will have gone through a graded physiotherapy programme to help you get back to walking and you maybe need to look at socialising in the same way; setting small, achievable tasks, gradually building your confidence. Plan trips out, maybe arrange to meet a friend, tell them your plan for getting back into doing things. Extend your range with a new activity each day. Walk home by a different route, get off the bus a few stops early. If you are thinking bad things will happen, ask yourself how realistic that is. Talk to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for every new achievement.

If you are affected by any of the issues in Lifelines and require further advice, contact

Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)