Time traveller forced to take stock

IN NEW YORK, federal investigators have arrested a Wall Street whiz on insider trading allegations after he turned an initial $350 stock market investment into a portfolio valued at more than $800m in just two weeks.

Andrew Carlssin, 44, claims in his defence that he is a time-traveller who has come back from 2256, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history.

He claims that, armed with the knowledge of the handful of stocks that are destined to go through the roof, anyone could make a fortune.

The Security and Exchange Commission said that his claims were being met with a degree of scepticism.

One said: "We don’t believe this guy’s story - he’s either a lunatic or a pathological liar. Every trade he made capitalised on unexpected business developments, which simply can’t be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He’s going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."