Six Christmas wishes from a Chancellor who desperately needs a few miracles

I guess my Christmas presents all came early this year when I was appointed Chancellor. Talk about dreams coming true. Who'd have thought during my hell-raising days in the Bullingdon Club I'd one day get a proper job.

And still only Churchill's age when he was appointed First Lord of the Admiralty. Crikey ... hope Dardanelles isn't ahead.

I'm writing because I know I'll need some superhuman help to get through 2011, and you are the only cosmic hero I know.

Truth is, I'm an angelic host short of a few miracles. Could you put in a word with the top man, and I'm not talking Cammers? I'd be most awfully obliged.

Here's my Christmas list:

1. Please don't let unemployment grow like Pinocchio's nose. We need to rebalance the economy, and must stop telling lies about what we can afford. But it's going to be painful. We must move away from relying on the public sector and finance to provide jobs, and help private industry create work in hi-tech goods and services, like engineering, which can be easily exported. We also need to boost jobs in construction.

2. Like Goldilocks and her porridge, please let inflation be not too hot and not too cold. Enough to inflate our debts away without triggering higher interest rates.

3. Let the story of the little Pigs, Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain, have a happy ending, without blowing all our houses down.

4. Help me pull off my programme of welfare and public sector reform, and go down in history as a good cutter, like the woodcutter in Hansel and Gretel. He married a bad woman and tried to kill his children, but in the end everyone loved him and they lived happily ever after.

5. Please let China and India, like Jack's beanstalk, continue to grow.

6. I don't ask for 100 years, like Sleeping Beauty's long sleep, but let the coalition last for five.

In my dreams,

George

Dear George

Chancellor, eh? I thought you were one of Peter Pan's lost boys. Oh Bullingdon Club, was it? Same thing. Still, all little boys have to grow up one day.

I do know what's going to happen to you this year, but I won't spoil your Christmas by letting you in on the secret. At least there is a fork ahead. It will take careful handling, but you might make it to the high road.

My advice is to pick your battles carefully and stay ahead of the game. Don't wait for the fight to come to you. There will be many months of demonstrations ahead as you proceed with your austerity measures.

You have already been sprinkled with the fairy dust of success. You are no longer considered the oik of your student days, having removed the UK from the danger zone and reassured markets with your early Budget.

Success can breed success if you think strategically. You can't win every battle, so pick the ones you can and prepare in advance. I don't suggest you emulate Margaret Thatcher in style. It was offensive to many. But, initially at least, she planned her campaigns with military precision. Remember how she stockpiled coal before taking on the miners?

You must set a jet engine alight under the private sector to help it create the jobs you will badly need. For that, tear up red tape, cut business taxes and nurture our centuries-old spirit of enterprise and invention.

Try to avoid ugly riots. The police have powers to stop people covering their faces. Why not ask Theresa to ban anyone wearing a mask from demonstrations? That way you can identify and arrest persistent trouble-makers.

There's not an enormous amount you can do about either inflation or the Pigs, other than ask Daddy for some tips on wallpapering over the cracks. Certainly, do all you can to prevent the Bank of England raising interest rates, although if inflation tops 5 per cent, its hands may be tied.

Otherwise you have to pray that Germany decides to play fairy godmother rather than wicked witch to the euro family. Failing that, be prepared to chip in to an IMF bail-out. The UK has too much to lose.

As for the coalition lasting, much will depend on the activities of both Conservative and Lib Dem backbenchers. Try reminding them that, like Dick Whittington, you sometimes have to do dirty jobs and live among rats before all your dreams come true. But if they hold their nerve, and don't walk away as Dick nearly did, then one day their boat may come in.

Finally, take a lesson from the Tin Man in Over The Rainbow. Be friends with the sparrows and get a heart.

Merry Christmas

Santa