Andrew Arbuckle: Trouble in store down on Slipper Farm

First we go to the Bureaucratic Block, where the civil servants charged with changing the rules on the single farm payments work. Their remit, as spelled out by the minister and endorsed by every lobby organisation in Scotland, is to cease paying subsidies to "non-active" farmers.

Then we go to Slipper Farm where those who formerly farmed are now enjoying their "non-active" lives. Every year just before Christmas they receive a cheque from the taxpayer. This is in reward for what they formerly used to do which was produce food. But with a rising tide of anger against this slippage of cash from the system they have already been told this year's Christmas bonus will be their last.

And then we nip down to Traders' Corner where live the quota traders and auctioneers who have helped facilitate the Slipper Farmers in getting the taxpayers cash by organising deals with other farmers often in remote areas of Scotland. Those who operate out of Traders' Corner have thus added what in modern parlance is called a "nice little earner".

Back at the Bureaucratic Block we can hear a few moans and groans. The current system may have its faults but it was dead easy. Just press the computer button and the cheques whirred out faster than the politicians could say "how clever we are in getting this money out so quickly".

But now they have to insert a clause which ensures only working farmers get the cash; as their boss Richard Lochhead has stated "we are all agreed 1 to a slipper farmer is a 1 too much".

The guru behind the change, Brian Pack, suggested using under grazing as the way of cutting out the non-active farmers and suggested a minimum stocking density of 0.06 of a livestock unit per hectare in the less favoured areas and one livestock unit per hectare in the rest of the country.

Townies need not fear about the first figure as Damien Hirst will not be let loose in the countryside to provide half sheep to those needing to comply with the new proposals as these will only be guidelines.

Scottish Government inspectors going their rounds will check to see if the land is under-grazed and if, in their judgment, it is, there will be a return visit some two months later to count sheep or cattle. Those failing the test will then be penalised with a percentage sliced off their single farm payment.

Incidentally, so far, no-one has taken any notice of retired arable farmers who never kept livestock but who receive their SFP courtesy of the defunct Arable Aid Scheme. Will they now have to keep cattle or sheep?

To prevent any loss of income, the thoughts of those on Slipper Farm have already turned to how to navigate through any change of rules so that they can continue to receive what many regard as their "pension".And at Traders' Corner, brainstorming sessions may well be being organised to see how the new requirements can be converted to their benefit.

The obvious thought is to move it to land which is in production. There is in Scotland a great area which is not used in getting single farm payment. In many cases, new entrants to farming have been unable to get their hands on SFP cash because the farmer took it away for his retirement leaving behind "naked acres".

Theoretically, the acreage that there used to be when the SFP was set up is still there. Admittedly, the New Entrants scheme added a few acres and the shift between LFA land and non LFA has complicated the equation but there should be sufficient "naked acres" to satisfy the needs of Slipper Farmers.

So there will be a readjustment. It will be a move to better land. It will see an increase in the rentals being paid for access to this better land. It is perfectly possible that not one extra cattle beast, sheep or acre of cereals will be produced but everyone except the taxpayer will be able to claim success.

The government will do so because the worst excesses of handing money over for nothing have been eliminated; the Slipper Farmers because they will continue to get lots of cash and Traders' Corner because their commissions will increase with the higher rates being paid.

I suppose I win as well as it is such a lousy situation that there are bound to be lots of articles to be written about it.

Damien Hirst is not, contrary to some expectations, going to be providing half cattle and sheep for farmers Picture: Getty Images