Your call: Happy Hearts man traumatises Jambo

HEARTS' rather selfish obsession with trying to stop the Old Firm for fulfilling their divine right to monopolise the SPL title has been getting the hotline in a Jambo jam. "I cannae get used to seeing Jim Jefferies strutting about Tynecastle with a big cheesy grin on his face," said Billy, from Musselburgh. "It's just no' in keeping with the curmudgeonly coupon we've come to love over the years."

Artful Arty, meanwhile, called to congratulate Ryan Stevenson – scorer of the winning goal in Hearts' 1-0 win over Rangers. "Gaun yerself Ryan. I couldn't ask for any more publicity for my tattoo parlour. Good to see you rolling your sleeves up and advertising the very best of Ayrshire body art. I would give you another yin for free to say thanks, but I dinnae think I'd be able find an unpainted inch of skin on your body."

But just as Hearts fans start to entertain their wildest dreams of winning the cumbersome hunk of SPL silverware, aka Frankenstein's Monster, Albert from Australia, called to say: "Remember 1986. Marshall's Chunky Chicken Champions? Beware of men with moustaches."

Rangers fans, meanwhile, are not enjoying the sight of Hearts breathing down their necks: "It's a horrible position to be in – we've actually got to cheer them on again on Wednesday because they are playing Celtic," said Teddy from Govan.

Over on Planet Leith, the Hibs fans' gills are as green as their scarves as their rapid descent into the relegation quagmire shows no sign of abating. Benny from Currie said: "This Hibs team has the worst players since the mid 1980s and I should know."

Edwin from the Netherlands said: "If Coco Calderwood can get Hibs out of this mess, then I'm a Dutchman."

Tel from Inverness phoned to have a rant at the SPL and their obsession with shrinking, not expanding the top flight.

"They are just a bunch of bullies," he said.

"What's going on behind closed doors at those Hampden meetings remind me of when Gripper used to rob poor Roland Browning of his (substantial) dinner money in Grange Hill. What we need is a Bullet Baxter kind of character to stand up to them, otherwise the Premier League is heading for 10-team boredom and we're all going to end up like Zammo – out of our minds and hooked on tranquillisers. JUST SAY NO to a ten-team league!"