Wendy Brown on anxiety

WHATEVER our age, a normal part of psychological growth and development will ensure we experience a certain level of anxiety. Anxiety is a term used to describe the thoughts and feelings we get when we are frightened, worried or stressed.

But it is through learning to manage and push through these uncomfortable feelings towards acquiring new skills that leads us to greater levels of self-esteem and confidence.

In young people, anxiety can come and go along with each developmental stage, but up to one in five experience regular anxiety and stress. This can show in a number of ways, ranging from clinginess or separation anxiety through to panic attacks, school refusal, excessive worrying or phobias.

MYSTERY ILLNESSES

I HAVE been raising my daughter (age 12) since my husband died suddenly two years ago. I don't know how I would have coped without her, but we have developed a strong bond through supporting each other. However, more recently she has missed a lot of school and has 'mystery illnesses' - stomach aches, feeling sick and panicky. Is this is just a phase?

It is vital you liaise with the school and work together to ease her back into a regular timetable as soon as possible. One common misconception for school phobia is that children are avoiding school.

But the focus of the anxiety can be in the home, with the child feeling they need to manage things there to feel safe. Emotionally supporting a parent while trying to work through her own grief and loss can be a strain on a young child.

Sometimes, children develop separation anxiety and the shock of losing one parent may have triggered a belief that she needs to ensure she stays close to you to ensure you stay safe. Your daughter needs reassurance.

Be kind but firm, stick to routines, keep home life consistent, and focus on what she does well. Support her in maintaining friendships to ensure her social development.

CONSTANT WORRYING

I used to be quite happy-go-lucky but since the financial downturn I have begun to worry about losing my job, and worry about nearly everything.

My boyfriend says I am tense all the time and snap at him. I find it hard to concentrate and am exhausted through lack of sleep because I lie awake thinking of all of the disasters that might befall me.

I suggest you speak to your GP and it would be helpful to cut down on stimulants. Learn a relaxation technique and practise it routinely. Also, exercise will help you relax, but not too near bedtime. Counselling can be helpful in identifying and recognising the negative thought patterns and encouraging you to think more realistically again.

MARRIAGE FALLOUT

My partner and I have decided to separate and have been putting off telling our nine-year-old son because his teacher is worried about his behaviour. Should we hold back from telling him until he is more settled?

Your son is expressing anxiety in the place where it is currently safest to express it - his school.

It is important to acknowledge to him your decision to separate. This will allow you to reassure him you will continue to love him even though your relationship has changed.

Mediation can be helpful in keeping communication open and you may also wish to consult with a children's counsellor, who can help him process his emotions in a safe environment.

Wendy Brown is a counsellor and supervisor with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 06 February, 2011